Captain's Log Stardate 121717: The Old Me

When you're not sure if your total lack of passion for anything is because of the depression, the antidepressants, or just getting older and more cynical. Or maybe all of it. Or none of it.

I miss old me. Or I guess, more accurately, I miss younger me. Maybe I'm also missing an older me that will be happier and feel more like someone worth being around. I recently titrated down on my antidepressants. Things were going pretty well, and I thought maybe I was getting ready to move away from the antidepressants. Now I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is because I need to stay on the slightly higher dose or if there's some situational stuff (including winter's arrival) going on. When I first tried an antidepressant, I didn't like it because it made me flat. It's not like I felt happier, I just sort of felt nothing. Having always been a rather sensitive and emotionally volatile person, I didn't really like that. I've realized recently that I've been sort of flat for a while. It didn't really bother me now that I have a kid because it's more important to be able to function with a toddler around. Lately, though, I keep trying to remember the last time I actually felt happy. You know, that kind of happy that you feel deep inside, and not just in your head? I'm not sure if other people experience those things in the same way I do, but that's sort of what I'm missing. I'm missing those deep emotions that I feel deep inside rather than just surface. I even miss that painful feeling of deep sadness. I'm tired of that smile being something fleeting that just covers my face but doesn't reach my core. The problem is, I'm not sure that going off the antidepressants will work because I don't think I'll be able to function well enough to take care of Junior Mate. Whether or not the cause is titrating down on the antidepressants, I'm clearly having a low period, and it's just not possible for me to take the kind of care of her I think she deserves when I spend half the day weeping.

I know I need to make some friends and start to have a social life, too, but it's hard to do because I just don't feel like someone worth hanging out with right now. Younger Captain was great, sure, but Current Captain doesn't feel like someone I'd want to hang out with. I'm getting kind of tired of her, honestly. It doesn't help that, on top of feeling sort of meh about myself, I'm constantly tired, both from having a toddler and from chronically not getting quite enough sleep. The depression also just limits my general energy for things, so there are only so many things I can do/people I can be around in a day before I just need to be home. And that level varies so that some days it's practically nil, while other days I can do several things. It makes it hard to want to say yes to things I may be invited to because I don't want to flake out at the last minute. Honestly, life just generally isn't how I imagined it would be, and I often feel like I just wasn't made for adulthood - like I'm not able to survive the monotony and pressures of adulthood.

I'm not writing to get people to feel sorry for me. I just needed to get these thoughts onto paper to help me organize them and process them. I sort of generally need to start writing more again, I think. I guess I need to figure out how to prioritize what I actually need to do to help me, rather than just, you know, TV that lets me just veg out. I guess I need to actively process sometimes.

Seed of Action Day 2: Thank you Sandra Day O'Connor

March 2, 2017

Dear Former Justice O'Connor,

You don't know me, but I am participating in a 40 day program called "Seeds to Scatter" in which the participants do one small "seed of action" each day. Today's "seed of action" was to write a letter to a civil servant who has taken a stand for women's rights. I'm going to be honest - I don't really know that much about you, and I haven't studied your opinions on the cases over which you were judge. However, I will never forget how proud I felt when I learned in elementary school about the first female Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O'Connor, appointed the year I was born. (I hope that doesn't make you feel too old!) I don't know your history on women's rights issues, but for me, the mere fact that you broke the ceiling to become the first female Supreme Court Justice inspires me and gives me hope. Additionally, the fact that your appointment happened within my relatively short lifetime reminds me to celebrate the advancements we have made while continuing to work for improvements in women's rights and equality. I've never been interested in politics or in law, but your role in our nation's history told a 10 year old girl that she could become someone who made a difference in our country, no matter her gender. For that, I thank you for your civil service. May you continue to work for good.

Sincerely,
~First Mate, Starship Hecate

Captain's Log Stardate 010117: Mighty Decent

As I was feeding the cats last night and anticipating the new year, I remembered a moment from middle school in which someone did something mighty decent for me. I don't remember exactly what recalled the memory for me, but it made me happy to remember that even middle school boys can be decent people ;). Then I realized that, coming from a year with lots of stress and sorrows, it would be a great way to bring in the new year: remembering the mighty decent things people have done for you. I know there are plenty of things I won't remember now, but I would like to make a list starting today to which I will hopefully add as the year progresses. This way, I can remember how good people CAN be when things aren't so great. And sometimes, those little moments that probably mean nothing to the other person can help you remember that there is still good in the world, even when you just remember them later in life. So here is a start to a list of mighty decent things people have done for me, updated as I recall them. I think I will start a separate list for 2017.

I have to give the first line to my mom, who has done innumerable mighty decent things for me over the years, too many to name or recount. She is the person who taught me the value of mighty decent things and has shown me through action what it looks like to be a mighty decent person.

Next, a line for my parents-in-law, who raised a good man and continue to model decency for their grandchildren. They are extremely generous with both their time and their resources, and they take new friends and family members into their family as if they've always been there.

Now just a list (in chronological order, to be amended as I remember things)
7th grade: Josh W, for calling a poor little smitten girl (for whom I doubt he returned any feelings) on the phone after a really bad day just to apologize for a mean thing someone else had said.

9th grade: Marie M B, for coming over to see me when my dad died and bringing me a dark colored dress to wear to his funeral.

10th(?) grade: Wes B, for standing up for my character to my ex, even though we weren't really friends at that point

12th grade: Erin M P, for hand-making a beautiful butterfly pillow for me for my 18th birthday

2003(?): Jen S, for sending me a StoryPeople Art clip to remind of the sunshine during my first gray winter

2004: Triumph Baptist Church, especially Mrs. Hall, for putting up my team in one of their rental properties when our heater was broken the coldest week of the year

2016: Wendy A, for offering to take my dying grandmother into her and my uncle's house to insure that she had the love and care she needed