Captain's Log Stardate July 2016: 12 Books Reading Challenge - Book recommended by a friend

I'm still catching up on blog posts, although I'm actually caught up to the current month in my books. July's book was The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, by Marie Kondo. It is my "book recommended by a friend" (who also takes care of Junior Mate for me two days a week).

I was going to do a book recommended by First Mate (one that he's been trying to get me to read for several years, actually). I even started that book, but this one is more pertinent to my life situation right now. You see, I come from a long line of packrats. We save stuff because we might need it in the future. We save stuff because we're too busy and/or lazy to do something with it right away. We save stuff because we feel guilty getting rid of something someone else gave us. (This one is actually deeper than this - my mom and I both have gifts as a love language, so getting rid of something someone gave us feels like getting rid of the person's love.) We save stuff because there are too many memories attached to the things. I am having trouble keeping our place tidy - both in terms of clutter and actual cleanliness. I've been thinking that maybe if I pared down my belongings some, it would help. In steps my friend with this book. He loaned it to me to read. The timing is perfect because we are moving, and I would like to start with a clean slate at the new place.

Over the past few years, my mom and I have been slowly moving away from this and toward letting more things go and cleaning out - simplifying. As I've been clawing out of the depression that set in when Junior Mate was born, I've recently been trying to really declutter. Our upcoming move feels like a perfect opportunity to do this; start with a clean slate. This book is incredibly helpful for people like me for a few reasons. It gives you a simple guideline for how to decide what to keep. (Kondo prefers to talk about what you should keep, rather than what you should discard, because it has more positive connotations and feels less oppressive.) The guideline is whether or not the item sparks joy in you. I'll note here that I had to change the question for my own practice of her method because I'm still finding it hard to find joy in anything nowadays. Instead, for clothing I asked myself, "Does this make me happy? Do I like wearing it?" For books, I asked myself, "Am I excited about reading/seeing this book?" She also gives you a step by step guide for the order in which you should go through your things, leaving sentimental items for last. Additionally, she offers helpful suggestions about how to store your items most efficiently.

I think the thing that helps me the most, as someone who tends to attach too much emotional significance to things, is the way Kondo talks about how to appreciate your items and let them go. Thank the item for the part it has played in your life, and allow it to move onto its next role. She sort of gives each item its own life and encourages you to think about how nothing really wants to sit around being useless. Let that book that's collecting dust on your shelf go so that it can be used and enjoyed by someone else. Her attitude, though a little unconventional, really helped me to give myself permission to let go of stuff, even things given to me by other people.

In short, this book is an easy read, and I recommend it for anyone who wants to declutter their home but has trouble figuring out the best way. I'll warn you that her method does require a bit of time, but it is working for me so far, though I'm not even finished.

Captain's Log Stardate June 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book that was banned at some point

I know I'm still behind - June posting in September. I'm still trying to catch up!
June's book is a book that was banned at some point (mostly in the southern US), Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe.

I chose this book for this category because it interested me, I have never read it, and it fits my goal of all women authors. However, I think it also fits into "book you should have read in school" because it is so important to remember the history of slavery in our country and to remember that, though it feels long ago, it really wasn't. This is particularly pertinent considering the string of African-Americans who have died in police custody in the past few years. We cannot understand why #BlackLivesMatter is important without remembering the history and attitudes that have brought us to the present moment.

I really enjoyed this book, largely because it presents incredibly important material in a narrative format, which for some reason is the easiest format for me to read and ruminate upon. Stowe's characters aren't all as complex as one might like, and there's obviously a paternalistic attitude toward people of African descent in her writing. (This is probably not unexpected for any abolitionist of the period.) However, I thought her depiction of many different experiences of enslavement and different attitudes toward slavery was fantastic. Even those slaves who were owned by good masters (as the hero Uncle Tom is in the beginning of the novel) longed for freedom, not because their life was so harsh, but because it is a basic human longing to be in control of one's own body and destiny. Obviously, Stowe is showing her readers that even those slaves who live under good conditions would rather have their freedom. (She seems to fighting an argument that slaves with good masters probably have better lives than they would as free men.)

I think the arc of the story which I most appreciated was the intermediate arc (with the St. Clare family), in which Tom goes to a new, also kind, master (before being sold again to a terrible master). This part of the story resonated with me on many levels, largely because I feel like many of the attitudes Stowe presents in this intermediate family are still present today. I'll also admit that I found myself thinking that I probably would have been someone with an attitude rather like that of the intermediate owner. As much as I'd like to think I would have been a staunch abolitionist, I suspect that I would have been conflicted as Mr. St. Clare, feeling that slavery was entirely wrong but that it had become a necessary evil and with no real idea of how to change it. However, the part that I felt was VERY important in this intermediate arc was Mr. St. Clare's relationship with his cousin from Vermont, Miss Ophelia. I won't deny that, as someone raised in the Southeastern US, there was a part of me that was glad to see a recognition of racism in northerners who opposed slavery. But I think Miss Ophelia's attitude, particularly, is still very much around today.

Mr. St. Clare may be a slaveholder, but he freely allows his beloved daughter to play with the slave children in the household, walk with the adult slaves, and hug and kiss all of the slaves as friends and family. Miss Ophelia, though adamant that it is wrong and abominable to hold slaves, finds it nearly abominable that Mr. St. Clare and his family are so familiar with their slaves. St. Clare points out to her that she may want to free all the slaves, but she doesn't want any familiarity with them. And she most certainly does not want them moving to her state where "her people" will have to deal with them. She wants freedom for the slaves as long as the consequences of that freedom are kept far from her own life.

Having lived in both the Southeastern US and the Northeastern US, I find that these attitudes are still very much alive. It is quite true that there is still a stronger overt strain of racism present in the South. However, I have found far fewer white Northerners than Southerners who have actually lived in the same neighborhood as and/or gone to school with African-American citizens. I have heard white people talk about entire cities, mostly populated by people of color, with fear and loathing. I hear the "us" and "them" language almost more often here than where I grew up. Admittedly, I think there is certainly some aspect of socioeconomic privilege going on there, and in the Northeast, poorer areas are still largely populated by people of color, while more affluent neighborhoods tend to be almost entirely white. However, I clearly see a racism present in the Northeast that too many people cannot or refuse to acknowledge. The idea that racism is a thing of the past and/or that racism is primarily a problem in the South is just not true. It's just that racism looks different in different areas of the USA, and I think Stowe's characters actually do a pretty good job of showing us how our current racism comes from these attitudes of about 150 years ago.

In short, I think this is an important book and a good read to boot. If you haven't read it yet, and you have any interest in the history of slavery and its impact on current race relations, you should read it.

Captain's Log Stardate May 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book you've already read at least once

I originally intended to save this category for the end of the year because I was planning to read the first in a series. I knew that I would want to read the whole series again after reading it and wanted to be done with the challenge in order to do that. However, after getting behind in April and May, I decided to go ahead and do this category for May to help catch up. I knew it would be a quick and fun read. My book for this category is Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, by J.K. Rowling (picture links to Amazon sale page).

I didn't get into the Harry Potter series until right before the fifth book was released, so this one had been out for a while before I read it. I was also in college when the first book was published, so I can't say that I was raised with HP. However, I really enjoyed the series and had a couple of quite close friends with whom I debated the possibilities for the coming books and talked about theories. During a time in my life when I was pretty depressed and lonely, the online HP community gave me some friends and a place to escape through fanfic and discussion with others. In short, it's been an important series in my life but not entirely life-shaping.

I enjoyed rereading the first book, not only because the books are fun but also because it was a nice change from the academic book I had read just prior. I actually think most of the movies are pretty good and accurate representations of the books, but I love reading the books. They have so many little details that just can't be explained or really represented in the visual form. It still amazes me how Rowling was able to come up with such an elaborate and detailed imaginary world. I don't know if I once had that type of imagination and had it squashed out of me by (my own) perfectionism and schooling or if I'm just not that creative. However, she definitely creates a world that you can enter with your whole mind, and even heart, and grow to love. There are also some great lessons about good and evil throughout the series that are good for both children and adults. I think that's one of the reasons I still love reading children's/young adult novels. Often, the themes therein are ones that adults need to remember or relearn as well. This particular book reminds us that appearances can sometimes deceive, to give people the benefit of the doubt, and that sometimes, supporting your friends is more important than being right.

Captain's Log Stardate April 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book you should have read in school

I know it's mid-June, so it's a bit strange to make the date April 2016. However, April was busy, and I also had some depression I was dealing with. Thus, it took me until the end of May to finally finish my April book. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up in June with my May book and my June book. Anyway, this month's book is a book I was supposed to read in seminary. Actually, I was only supposed to read a portion of it for my introductory preaching class, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to read the whole thing now. I can't remember if I actually read the portions I marked with a flag or not, but I didn't see any underlinings, which indicates I probably didn't. The book is Women Preaching: Theology and Practice through the Ages, by Eunjoo Mary Kim. (Photo links to the book on Amazon.)

This is a good academic treatment of different roles women's preaching has taken throughout the history of the church. A lot of what Kim has to say focuses on the transformative and prophetic (i.e. challenging) voice of women preaching. Because this was taught as an important role of preaching in my seminary, I appreciate this focus. Kim's focuses are on women preaching the risen Christ (scripture/early church); preaching as subversive rhetoric (medieval/postmedieval church); preaching with authority (Reformation to early 20th century); and preaching and the politics of God (focusing on Korean preachers during colonial and postcolonial periods). Kim uses 2-3 examples in each chapter to illustrate each of these focuses, highlighting not only bits of writing/preaching from each women, but outlining how their very lives were examples of preaching. At the end of the book, Kim shares three different sermons she has delivered during her preaching career.

Generally, I think this is a good book, especially if you're looking for an academic treatment of women preachers through history. It's got good information, gives good examples, and lays down some useful arguments for why women should be allowed to preach. Honestly, though, getting through it made me realize that I just really prefer fiction and/or easy reading. Part of the reason it took me so long to read it was because I didn't really find myself *wanting* to read it. I also found myself busy (and battling a bit of depression) during April and May, but I really just kind of stalled out on it. I am glad that I finally did finish it, but I doubt I'll be picking it up again unless I go back to school for some reason.

Captain's Log Stardate March 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book You Previously Abandoned

This month's book is The Knitting Sutra: Craft as a Spiritual Practice, by Susan Gordon Lydon. It is a book I previously abandoned and does not really fit into any other category.
(Image links to Amazon's book page)

To be honest, I had two or three other books I probably would have preferred to read for this category, but it was more important to me to stick to my goal of reading only women authors. Thus, I ended up pulling a book out of my donate pile to pick back up and finish. In fact, I never really read much of this book at all. I read bits and pieces of it for a research paper I did in seminary about the meditative aspects of knitting and crocheting. (Looking back through the paper, it appears I didn't even end up using it in the paper.) There were a few good quotes that I liked, but it didn't really meet my need at that time.

I have to admit that it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. To be fair, I've realized that I was sort of hoping for something a bit more academic, which is unfair, considering that this is basically a popular book. It is more of a memoir type book than a discussion of how craft can be used as a spiritual practice. Lydon discusses her own spiritual journey and the important role that knitting played in that journey. It is interesting to hear how craft became an integral part of her spiritual life, but, especially considering that I had already written a paper on the contemplative aspects of knitting and crocheting, I guess I was just disappointed that there wasn't more detail. She does have a lot of knowledge of traditional crafts and their importance in the spiritual lives of the people groups who do them, and she intersperses this information with her own story. However, there is not a ton of detail about each of these groups and the specific spiritual aspects of their crafts.

All in all, it's a pretty good book; it just wasn't exactly what I was expecting from the title. If you are interested in spirituality and how other people incorporate it into their lives, it is a good read. If you are interested in how other people use craft to enhance their spiritual lives, it is a good read. If you are looking for an academic treatment of how craft is used as a spiritual practice or in the spiritual lives of people, it doesn't really fit the bill. It is one person's specific story and not a general study of craft and spirituality.

Here are a couple of quotes I particularly liked and why I liked them:
"And is it possible that female spirituality through the ages may have been concealed in the minutiae of domestic life rather than expressed in the grandiosity and pomposity of churches and sermons?" (p. 10)
~~I think this is especially pertinent to me right now, as I am currently a stay-at-home mom. Every day can feel so monotonous taking care of a baby and a household. This quote reminds me that the simple (or actually quite complex and difficult) business of raising a baby and keeping a house in order are spiritual acts. We forget that everyday living has its own spiritual aspects because we have a tendency to assign deep spiritual significance only to worship services and those who lead them. I have been in seminary with pastors in training (and some who were already pastoring and finishing up the credentials). I can tell you that your pastors have the same mundane aspects in their lives. Part of seminary, actually, is learning to see the holy and spiritual in every aspect of life. And remember that "spirituality" is the job of a pastor, so sometimes that everyday spirituality is even more important to a pastor. At any rate, I like that Lydon recognizes the importance of domestic life to spirituality, especially for women, as we have so often been relegated to these tasks, while men have traditionally been given the privilege of spiritual leadership.

"I learned while writing this book that the purpose of the craft is not so much to make beautiful things as it is to become beautiful inside while you are making those things." (p. 137)
~~This really struck me as I was reading it. It is a great summation of her description of her spiritual journey and knitting. It also reminds us that craft has value and is not just a useless hobby. We make beautiful things for ourselves and others, but the time we use to create those items has its own important role in shaping us. Whether it is a craft that involves intense concentration or one that is repetitive and lends itself to mindfulness meditation, it gives us the opportunity to grow our brains and inner selves. I love this because it is beautiful, but also because it gives me permission not to feel guilty when I choose to craft rather than sweep the floor, for example. Obviously, there has to be balance among crafting and my other duties, but this gives me permission to let crafting help me center in order to be a better mom and housekeeper.

Captain's Log Stardate 021716: Just Slow Down!

Some days I feel awesome at being a mom, and other days I really suck at it. I'm short-tempered with Junior Mate, cry a lot, and sometimes even swear at her. I'm horrible. These days tend to be the days when I didn't get much sleep for whatever reason (sometimes, but not always, related to Junior Mate's sleep). I'm really trying to cut back on the swearing because she's definitely getting old enough to start repeating stuff like that. Obviously, I also want to cut back on the swearing because it's not nice; most people don't like to be sworn at. Also, it can be hard to remember that babies are actually just very small people. They seem so different to adults that it can be easy to think of them as if they're a different species or something. I told my mom the other day that I really think I should get some Buddhist practice into my life. I tend allow myself to be ruled by my emotions, and you really can't raise kids that way. The truth, my friends, is that there are times when you just don't like your kid(s) at all, but you can't let that make you treat them like you don't like them. This is what I'm struggling with. I know Junior Mate deserves better than this, but I have not been good at it. I am trying to get my depression under control, upping my antidepressant a bit and continuing to go to counseling. (I've also gotten someone to help me with her two days a week, allowing me to get out and have some me-time.) Unfortunately, I have not yet arrived at Happy Captain, and there are days I feel I never will again.

Anyway, I sometimes let my emotions rule me in my dealings with Junior Mate, and I know this is unfair to her and unhealthy for both of us. I know I cannot continue this way with her because I want to do as little damage to her as possible. (I'm of the belief that your kids are going to be screwed up somehow no matter how awesome you are. The best you can do is try not to actively screw them up. ;) I have a couple of books I want to read to help me get in this mindset. I started reading a series last year called The Dalai Lama's Cat, by David Michie, and it basically presents basic Buddhist tenets through an easy to digest little story about a cat who learns these tenets through her life with the Dalai Lama. I have enjoyed them and recently purchased the newest one. Maybe when I get around to reading it, I will actually try to think about practicing some of the ideas. (The last one I read had a really good part about not letting anger and frustration rule you; I could definitely use that one.)

One of the things I've been thinking about recently in this vein is "slow down." Now, I could have used this for the weird dichotomy of having a newborn/infant where you are sort of just hoping that they'll grow up so things get easier while also mourning the fact that they don't fit into those little 3-month clothes anymore. However, I think this is more important, at least for me. Lately, Junior Mate has been having a little trouble falling asleep, taking closer to 30 minutes (or more) than 15 minutes. At first, I would get so frustrated that I'd end up just getting First Mate to get her to sleep. I should also point out that, having read all these infant sleep things, I was totally stressed about making sure I put her to bed awake. Otherwise, all sorts of bad things would happen, and she would NEVER SLEEP NORMALLY!!! Finally, I decided that it didn't matter if I rocked Junior Mate to sleep. In fact, it doesn't bother me (most of the time), and it's not like I'll be able to do it forever. She is usually able to fall back asleep by herself when she wakes up in the night, which is the main reason given for not rocking to sleep. I've decided to just enjoy getting to hold her and watch her fall asleep, knowing this will not last forever. At some point, though, I started getting impatient for her to fall asleep so I could get my little bit of "me-time" during the day.

Recently, while we were visiting family, I found myself rocking Junior Mate to sleep for naps. Yes, I'm still trying to figure out how to transition Junior Mate out of the swing and into the crib for naps. I would feel impatient about getting back to family, and then I thought, "Slow down, Captain. Just slow down. Enjoy these moments. Let Junior Mate sleep on your shoulder. Maybe take a nap yourself." And then I realized that even though my life has felt incredibly hectic and just trying to make it from day to day, Junior Mate is actually making me SLOW DOWN in some ways. Adult life is so humdrum sometimes that we forget to appreciate the uniqueness of each day. In the midst of doing the same things we do every day, we forget that there will never be another February 17, 2016, and we take it for granted. Babies grow so fast, especially in the first year (I have yet to experience the second year), that it's much harder to take it for granted. And the older they get, even at a whopping 11 months old ;), the more independent they want to be. Those sweet times of them snuggling into your shoulder become fewer and fewer, and I imagine I'll find myself missing them. I do miss the newborn times when Junior Mate would just sleep effortlessly on my shoulder. Now she does sometimes, but she's more restless. And she only naps two times a day, so there aren't as many opportunities.

Stardate 030216 Appendix: I started this a couple of weeks ago and am now not in exactly the same place anymore. Antidepressants have been upped a little bit, and Junior Mate is once again sleeping more easily. Junior Mate is helping me to slow down and appreciate little things more, and I appreciate her for it. I'm currently finding it easier to do this whole mommy thing than I have for the past nearly 12 months. However, I think the things I say and feel in the first part of this post are important because I'm certain some people feel them but are afraid to talk about them. We have to be willing to talk about our weaknesses in order to support one another and overcome them. Thus, I am posting it as is, though I could not figure out how to finish it in the same vein. Just remember that we all screw up and don't do as well as we'd like. Fortunately, kids are resilient, and I think if we try our best to be great most of the time, they will be fine.

Captain's Log February 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book You've Been Meaning to Read

This month's book falls into the "Book I've been meaning to read" category. I figure it's easy to do categories like this at the beginning, because I've already got it in mind. I'll save for later those categories for which I don't already have a choice. Marriage and Other Acts of Charity, by Kate Braestrup, is a book given me by my very good friend from seminary, AmenAbility. I think it's been sitting on my shelf for 3-4 years now, so it was about time to actually read it. (Image below links to the book on Amazon.) Also, I'm pretty sure I've decided to do this challenge by reading all women authors. Gotta love an additional challenge. ;)

The book is a memoir, which I didn't really notice until I started reading it. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but this wasn't exactly it. I think I was sort of hoping for some sort of helpful handbook on how to do marriage. First Mate and I are doing okay, but I'm not always so good at this marriage thing. It's also gotten a lot harder since having Junior Mate. Parenting is hard, and it can be easy to feel resentful toward First Mate when I'm home with Junior Mate all day while he's working. I struggle with the understanding that he's had a long day/week at work and wants some down time because I want down time, too. And honestly, there's still this part of me that feels like I don't have a right to complain because I get to be home all day "doing nothing." Not that raising a child is doing nothing - it just doesn't feel like the kind of work you do outside the house. For an introvert, though, it is a bit draining. I love Junior Mate, but I really love nap times and the end of the day when she goes to sleep and I get some time to myself.

Anyway, that was more of a tangent than I intended; suffice it to say that having a baby has made marriage more difficult for me. Braestrup gives some good anecdotes about how marriage is hard for everyone and shares how she overcame a time in her own first marriage (ended by her husband's death by car accident) when she was going to divorce him. Basically, she says that "The Golden Rule" saved them. You know the one, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." For her, it came in the revelation that she wouldn't want to be treated the way she had been treating her husband, so she started treating him how she wanted to be treated. Honestly, this was a little disappointing for me. I mean, I suppose it's true - this is a great way to work on a marriage, and perhaps the only real advice one can give or receive. However, I wanted something more concrete. Maybe I even wanted some reassurance that it's supposed to be hard and that it would get easier. Instead, I got that it's hard. Because let's face it: we're selfish beings, and constantly trying to do for others what you would want instead of doing it for yourself is hard. This was especially true for First Mate and me during the early months of Junior Mate's time here. We were both so tired and emotionally drained that all we could do was take care of ourselves. Only recently have we been able to care for one another better again.

I think the part I liked the best was her recurring theme of caritas, a Latin word that we translate as charity in English. She talks about it as the kind of love that desires the best for the other person (among other explanations). Obviously, you hope that you feel this way about your spouse (and that they feel that way about you), but thinking about it with the actual words helps to better define it. I have caritas for all the guys I've dated in the past. I truly want them to be happy and have the best; I was certain I was not the best for them, which is why I broke it off. It is actually harder to have continuing caritas for First Mate because we live together and work at this baby-raising thing together. He's not a passing thought or earnest desire for happiness. He is always there, whether I'm in a good mood or not, had enough sleep or not, dealt with a cranky baby all day or a happy baby. It takes more work for me to be charitable to him because I see it when he leaves his socks on the floor or puts his dirty dish right by the sink rather than in it. For this reason, I appreciate Braestrup's reminder about caritas and its importance in a marriage. First Mate and I both need charity as we navigate this difficult and exciting path of parenthood and marriage.

Over all, I would say this is a pretty good book with some poignant reminders of what marriage can be. It's a relatively easy read, and Braestrup is pretty relatable. She's a Unitarian Universalist minister, though she came from an atheist background, so there are some spiritual concepts and biblical references. I would recommend it if you like memoirs and easy reads, but if you don't have a lot of time for reading, I don't know that I would put it on a "must be read" list.

Captain's Log January 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book You Can Finish in a Day

Since I didn't start the challenge until halfway through January, I chose to do the "Book you can finish in a day" category. Incidentally, the book I chose fits into other categories as well, but I'm putting it in this one. This month's book was Ethan Frome, by Edith Wharton. (Image links to book [for $3!] on Amazon)

This is a book that I read the summer before 9th grade for a summer reading assignment. I hated it at the time. I don't really remember why I hated it at this point, but I suspect it had something to do with the melancholy and sense of hopelessness prevalent in the book. At 14 years old, I had never really had cause to think about or appreciate these themes. I preferred (and often still do prefer) happiness and romance. Back then, I think it was because I didn't want to have to think about such things. Now it's mostly because I struggle with my own depression, and I often feel overwhelmed by the bad things in the world. When I read, I want to believe things can be different, not be reminded how much they can suck. It's the same for me with movies. This read was more enjoyable than the first, but I don't think it's a book that will make it to my favorite books of all time category.

Anyway, a quick synopsis: Ethan Frome is a man living in what we learn to be a rather sad and hopeless situation. The narrator, who frames the story, wonders how he came to be such an aloof and sad figure and gets the opportunity to find out when he and Ethan (who has been driving the narrator to and from work) get caught in a snowstorm. He spends the night at Ethan's farm and somehow pieces together a sad story of a mismatched, loveless marriage and a forbidden yet exciting chance upon new love when a hired girl comes to live with Ethan and his wife, Zeena. Unfortunately, poverty and a sense of right and duty make this chance at new love impossible, and when Ethan's wife tries to send Mattie away, she and Ethan despair and make a fateful decision that will leave all of them in a desolate and hopeless situation. I'll make you read the book for all the specifics.

A couple of thoughts I had while reading: why did Edith Wharton choose to write from a male point of view? What do I think would have been the right thing to do, i.e. are love and happiness more important than duty?

I don't have a problem with Wharton writing from a male POV. I mean, it's pretty common for men to write from women's POV's, so why not have women write from male POV? I mostly wondered about the place of women writers at the time. The book was published in 1911, so women weren't yet allowed to vote. Were women writers taken as seriously as men writers? I know there were plenty of great women writers before the 20th century, but I think I've heard that many of them weren't really seen as writers of serious literature due to their gender. I mean, isn't that part of the reason George Eliot chose that pen name? So I found myself wondering if Wharton wrote from a male POV because writing from Mattie's POV wouldn't have been taken very seriously, as in, "Who wants to read a book about a little lady who has fallen in love with her cousin's husband?" Of course, there are also issues of class at play here. Generally, any of the women who were able to gain recognition for their writing at this time were wealthy, and Wharton is no different. I suppose there's also the fact of the choice that faces Ethan, which is not really present for Zeena or Mattie, and that makes up the main conflict of the book. Obviously, the story would have presented quite differently from either of the main women characters' POV. At any rate, I don't really have any answers or great philosophical thoughts for this question. It just came up for me while I was reading. I was interested in hearing the story from Mattie's POV and/or Zeena's POV and wondered why we didn't get that.

The second question is much harder to consider because it touches on sort of murky moral ground. On the one hand, I have a BA in psychology, and I think it is important to feed love and happiness into your life in order to function fully during the day. I mean, I know from personal experience how hard it is to do daily tasks when you are living with depression, whatever is the cause. On the other hand, Frome is admirable for wanting to follow through on his matrimonial commitment to his wife and his realization that she does not really have the resources to survive on her own (particularly with his own poverty and inability to send alimony). Honestly, I found Zeena to be tiring, and I wanted Frome to leave her and run off with Mattie. However, I think his commitment to being honorable is good and should not be discounted. It's difficult because we currently live in a climate where it is all too easy and expected for people to do the easy thing that makes them feel good. As a society, we expect and sometimes encourage, people to leave their spouses if they find someone they "love more." Perhaps we ought to return to having a little more societal pressure to try harder at those commitments we made before family, friends, and God (for those of us who made them before God). This is difficult for me, though, because I think there are a lot of societal pressures, particularly in some Christian and other conservative circles, that push people to get married before they're ready, often to someone who isn't really a good match for a lifelong partnership. I don't want to punish people for poor choices they may have made when they were 20, but I also don't like how little our society seems to regard marriage nowadays. There must be some way to find a middle ground here. I have a hunch that it may have more to do with how we discuss sex and marriage with our children than with trying to pressure people who are miserable to stay married. At any rate, I admire both Ethan's honor and his desire to love. It would be lovely if he'd been able to have both in one woman.

Have any of you read this book? What were your thoughts? I welcome thoughtful and constructive comments on my thoughts but will summarily delete trollish comments.

Captain's Log Stardate 012216: Sleep Like a Baby?

Now that I've actually made it to the magical "It gets better" place, it's so much easier to talk about stuff. I also don't feel as compelled to write about all the depressing, unhappy times I experienced. Maybe that's what happens to parents. You sort of just want to forget about the difficult times, and you do. Anyway, part of my plan with this blog was to write about stuff that I didn't expect or had to learn on my own through some difficult experience(s). I don't think it's because other parents didn't have to learn it themselves, but perhaps they forgot about it and thus didn't share it with me (or whoever else they share parenting advice with). I wanted to try to write about these things while I was still in them or remembering them to help other parents have a leg up, so to speak. So this blog's topic (pulled from a little list of things I wrote down to share as they cropped up) is about sleep.

Getting babies to sleep is obviously a huge thing. If you Google it, you will see tons of websites, including plenty of sleep consultants who are happy to take your money for their services. I didn't really think much about baby sleep at first because my experience was that newborns tend to just fall asleep when they're sleepy and wake up when they're hungry. I didn't really feel there was much I could do to change that schedule and thought it would regulate on its own (which it really pretty much did). What really threw me for a loop was when right around two months old, Junior Mate suddenly just stopped napping during the day. I thought, "Well, maybe she just doesn't need to nap as much," so I didn't worry about getting her to nap. Then, one day she didn't nap AT ALL the whole day. That was the day First Mate and I left Junior Mate with my mom while we went on a dinner date. We were gone about two hours. When we stepped off the elevator onto our floor, we heard crying and thought, "Uh-oh, Junior Mate must be tired and hungry." My mom informed me that Junior Mate had cried inconsolably the ENTIRE time we were gone. I felt so guilty, not because Junior Mate had been crying but because my mom had been dealing with an inconsolable baby by herself for 2+ hours. (It is just as exhausting as it sounds.) We felt so guilty about it, in fact, that we wouldn't leave her with our visiting parents for months afterwards, only going out for whole family meals or eating in.

I figured out that the reason Junior Mate had cried that whole time was because she was just exhausted from not napping. I realized she wouldn't go to sleep on her own anymore and that I would have to encourage her to nap. I was pretty stressed about this whole napping thing, so I bought a couple of books and looked at sleep consulting sites online. One site I found to be pretty helpful because it has free suggested schedules for babies from age Newborn through Toddler was The Baby Sleep Site. I still consult this site to get an idea of about how long the average baby Junior Mate's age can stay awake between naps, how long naps (ideally) should be, and about how many feedings they should have per day. It has helped me understand what to expect on the sleeping front and helped me through a couple of sleep regressions and a nap transition.  I also read the below book (image links to Amazon's book page), which has some great tips on how to help your baby sleep at various ages and explains why their sleep habits change over time so you can better understand and respond to the changes. It contains alternative methods to the controversial "cry it out" method if you think you're at that point but can't stand listening to your baby cry for however long it takes for him/her to fall asleep.

So here's the long and short of it: once babies get interested enough in their world to pay more attention to it (around 2-3 months), they stop falling asleep on their own. There's just too much interesting stuff out there, and they want to learn all of it! You have to help create an atmosphere that encourages them to fall asleep. Create a routine that has cues to let them know it's time for a nap, and watch for their "I'm sleepy" cues. For me, it helped to kind of watch Junior Mate for a few days and get an idea of how long she stayed awake before she started showing signs of sleepiness (crankiness, rubbing eyes, staring, etc.). This helped me get an idea of what her natural schedule was and enabled me to watch the clock in order to prepare for nap-time before she got overtired. Because the totally unfair thing is that the more tired babies get, the more difficult it is for them to fall asleep. Anyone who ever told you to keep a baby up so that s/he would sleep better at night was WRONG. They need good naps during the day in order to sleep well at night. It felt so counterintuitive to me, but Junior Mate really did nap better and sleep better at night when I made her nap regularly.

But you have to be careful not to give them too much sleep during the day…it's a balance. And realize that as soon as you get used to one schedule, it's likely to change. Junior Mate and I were in a pretty predictable routine of three naps a day (morning, mid-day, afternoon), with one of them being on the short side, when she suddenly wouldn't nap in the afternoon anymore. It was a rough week or so while I figured out that she was transitioning from three naps to two and finally decided to let her do that. For a few weeks, we had some days when we took afternoon naps and some days when we didn't. Now, we're solidly in a two nap a day schedule (morning, afternoon), and she's handling it pretty well. Sometimes she gets fussy at the end of the day (when she's awake for 4-5 hours instead of just 3), but the new schedule is working well for us.

Since I figured out the whole napping thing and been able to put Junior Mate on a rough schedule, we've both been much happier. She's getting enough sleep, and I'm able to sort of plan the day around her naps. Some people advocate making the baby adjust to your schedule (which I know you can't avoid if you're working and taking baby to daycare). However, I'm a firm believer that things will work best, and you will all be happier trying to do things, if you work around baby's schedule. It may be a pain, but I remind myself that it's only for a couple of years. If you work and have to have baby on a schedule that matches a daycare, then stick to that same schedule on the weekends. Obviously, I only have the one baby, so I have no idea if this idea is even feasible with multiple kids. However, it has worked very well for me with Junior Mate. She does great at restaurants and other places out, as long as I plan the outing around her nap times.

I guess that's about it for now. For anyone who's still in that newborn stage wondering when they will ever get sleep again, I will repeat what everyone keeps telling you: it really does get better. Until then, though, pick at least one of their naps during the day when you will also nap. I know you probably don't want to nap every time they do (I wanted to actually be awake sometimes during the day), but if you pick one of the naps every day to nap yourself, it will help. Good luck with your baby's sleep! Feel free to share your stories! I'd love to hear what has worked for other people!

Captain's Log Stardate 011516: Get Your Read On!

I promise I'm going to actually write a substantive post again some time. (Babies can take up a lot of time as they get older!) However, I wanted to share with any of my readers a sort of project I'm undertaking with some friends from my graduate school alma mater. We have decided to do the below 2016 book challenge together and talk about our choices in a Facebook group. I invite you to do the challenge on your own or with some friends/family/partner, and feel free to discuss your own choices on my posts if you want. I am working on my choice for January and plan to write up a blog post on that when I finish. Because adult reading has been declining (here's some info on that, from 2014), I think it's a great idea to challenge us to choose one book a month to read using this interesting list. Feel free to download the graphic and share with anyone else.

Here's to getting our read on!