June 2021 Monthly Motif Reading Challenge: The Great Outdoors

June's monthly reading motif was "The Great Outdoors," which required reading "a book featuring a garden, nature, country, or harvest setting or plot. I belong to a Facebook group for children's books (partly because I have a kid, and partly because I just enjoy children's books), and they had recently been talking about The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I realized it had been so long since I'd read it that I didn't really remember it all that well. Thus, when I saw this prompt, I decided it would fit the bill perfectly. (Yes, I read two middle grade books in a row.) I remember really enjoying it when I was a child, and I still enjoyed it, though the book, having been written in 1911, definitely shows its age in some ways.

This book is all about magic, and not the Harry Potter kind. It's about the magic of being a child and discovering the way things grow and how the natural world works. It's about how caring for something and someone other than yourself can make you grow in ways you didn't expect. Mary Lennox, the main character, through caring for a garden, spending time outdoors, and learning to care about two other children around her age, grows from a sickly little child into a healthy young lady. The book definitely insinuates that it is the running around outdoors and the English countryside air that brings about this change, but I would argue that learning to care for things other than herself are part of that change as well. Obviously, that's an emotional and temperamental change, but I firmly believe that emotional and temperamental changes can affect us physically as well. At any rate, it really is delightful to watch the children in the book learn to love one another and the magic of the garden and remember what it was like to see magic in all sorts of things. For anyone who has ever been into gardening, they will also recognize the excitement the chilren felt of watching the garden awaken from its winter sleep. That is definitely one of my favorite parts of spring - going out and seeing which little bulbs are going to sprout first and which perennial plants are sticking up some new leaf stalks.

Now I guess I'll touch on the whole concept of "cancel culture" here for a minute or two. There are definitely books, movies, music, and television that contain themes we consider unacceptable today, most obviously, and possibly significantly, overtly racist terms and viewpoints. The Secret Garden does indeed have some of that content in it. Here's the thing, though: the fact that these ideas are in these various types of media does not mean that we need to erase these things from history. There is valuable stuff in them; otherwise, they wouldn't have become classics in the first place. Even beyond the stories that made certain books classics, though, the themes that don't fit with our current thinking provide opportunities for discussion with one another and our children.

Most of the terms used to describe darker skinned people (generally referring to people from the Indian subcontinent, where Mary was born) in The Secret Garden are not really acceptable nowadays, but if/when I let Junior Mate read the book, we can (and hopefully will) have discussions about why that thinking is out of date and unacceptable now. The answer to these issues is not to erase them or pretend they don't (and never have) exist. The answer is to have conversations with your children about how and why some of these ideas were acceptable in whatever time the media is set and why we don't think the same way now. We give our kids a chance to make the world better by letting them understand the mistakes of our past, as well as the good parts of our past. I mean, running around outside and loving nature are definitely worthwhile things, that many of us may have lost in our currently tech-heavy society. Parenting, and being a good human, honestly, requires work. It's easy to just get rid of things that don't work with our current values, but it's more enriching and valuable to examine them and figure out their place.

Anyway, I think this book is a worthwhile read, and if you are concerned about some of the classist and racist expressions in it, give it a read yourself and decide if you feel comfortable letting your child read it. You can always have the discussions about why we don't think the same way anymore, and you can also have delightful discussions about which flowers pop up first in the spring and the joys of watching the earth come alive year after year.

(This is my copy of the book from when I was a child!)
Buy it on Amazon here

What it's like to be a fat woman in this culture

• Internalized self hatred
• That nagging feeling that everyone who looks at you is judging you
• Feeling like you are morally bankrupt for letting yourself get fat, for not having the self control to keep yourself from it
• Hating yourself for letting yourself get fat
• Never being able to shop in the cute boutique shops
• Fighting with the impulse to do fad diets/starve yourself in an attempt to lose weight
• Looking at old photos and thinking to yourself, "And I thought I was fat *then*"
• Feeling like skinny people don't want to get too close to you, as if being fat was contagious
• Feeling like you are the wrong kind of fat - if only I was pear-shaped instead of apple-shaped, maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much
• Fighting between trying to change it and lose weight and just giving in and letting yourself get as fat as you will
• Worrying about how your own crappy body image and eating habits are affecting your daughter (especially long-term)
• Feeling like you don't deserve to be happy because you're not skinny and pretty
• Wondering what it's like to have a healthy relationship with food
• Feeling like all your good years are behind you (maybe this is just depression, which is correlated with my bad eating habits, which is correlated with my weight gain)
• Not wanting to look in the mirror because you know you won't like what you see
• Being afraid to try different hairstyles in case they make your face look fatter
• Feeling bombarded with messaging that you are not good enough to exist

Originally published on my Livejournal page.

Am I the Only One Who Just Wants One?

I feel like I need some sort of support group for moms who actually ONLY WANT one child. There is so much pressure from...society in general, I guess, that it's hard not to feel guilty or weird for only wanting one child. This is especially true since I don't have any "good" reason (like infertility) other than I don't really like being a parent and want the very young children stage to be over as soon as possible. I never babysat as a teenager because I didn't really like kids. Having one of my own has made me realize I still don't really like kids. Don't get me wrong, I love Junior Mate. I don't love being a parent. I'm not very good at it, and it's exhausting. All I really want is some sleep and more than 1-2 hours to do something I want to do.

At this point, I'd love to find just one other person who understands me on this...one other person who has no desire to have more than one (and maybe even questions whether it was a good idea for them to have the one they have). I want to feel less alone in my weirdness. Sometimes, you think you've found an only child ally, only to discover that they have what society considers legitimate reasons for only having one (usually infertility). My heart hurts for those friends who want more kids but haven't or can't have more for those reasons. But I don't understand that impulse, and I feel a little more alone every time I find out that I'm still the only one I know who is not only happy with an one but has no desire to have another. I mean, to be honest, the main reasons I consider having another child revolve around guilt. I feel guilty for only giving my mom one grandchild (since I'm her only child). I feel guilty not giving Junior Mate someone who, in the future, can share the emotional and/or physical burden of caring for aging parents.

I have two half-siblings from my dad's first marriage, who were 18 and 22 when I was born (and out of the house), and I am my mom's only child. Since I never lived with my half-siblings, and my mom and dad divorced when I was 5, leaving me primarily living with my mom, I consider myself an only child. I had a great childhood - plenty of friends, plenty of quality time with my mom, plenty of time to myself when I wanted it, cousins to play with at family gatherings. I don't really remember feeling lonely that much, at least not any more than I figure is typical for a kid at a given stage in his/her life. It's only now as my mom is getting older that I miss having a sibling. I live about 1000 miles away from my mom, and her health is up and down. It's hard not to be there for her all the time, knowing that there aren't any siblings to take up slack for me. I worry about that for Junior Mate in the future when she has to watch us grow older and less vital than we once were. I don't want to put that burden on her alone. At the same time, though, I'm not really sure I can survive another newborn/infant/toddler. There are days I'm barely making it through this one, and the PPD was bad. I'm afraid that if I had both a toddler/preschooler and a baby, I might not get through that suicidal ideation. I mean, it'd definitely be worse to leave her with no mom than with no sibling, right?

All of this is stuff that's so hard to talk about with other people because women are supposed to want and love children, and we're supposed to want as many as is culturally acceptable (which seems to be somewhere between 2 and 4, since I know several people with 3, which is entirely acceptable, but the ones with 4 get the whole "You know how that happens, right?" speech. Oddly, growing up, I always wanted 3 kids for some reason.) A few things make it harder: 1) I have an alarming number of friends and acquaintances who have had multiple miscarriages and/or cannot get pregnant (a first or following time). It makes me feel profoundly ungrateful and horrible to have gotten pregnant without actively trying and then not really like being a parent. The whole "life is unfair" epithet seems to apply here - women who want multiple children can't seem to have them easily, while I was sort of ambivalent about having one and got pregnant more quickly than I expected. 2) Women are supposed to LOVE being moms, and their children are supposed to be their sun and brightest spots in their lives. I keep wondering when that will happen. I'm glad Junior Mate is here, but I don't love being a mom. I love Junior Mate, but most days, she is not the brightest spot in my life. Most days, the best part of my day is the 1-2 hours after Junior Mate and First Mate have both gone to bed, and I get to sit with the cats and read, watch TV, or sew by myself - no one to have a fit because I'm not watching the right show or because I made her wear underwear, no one expecting attention from me that I only have half the energy to give, no chores staring me in the face (or at least it's easier to ignore them in the evening). 3) There doesn't seem to be anyone safe to talk to about this because you don't want the few friends you've managed to tentatively make since your daughter started preschool to think you're a horrible person and shun you. I just want someone else who is actively making the decision to only have one child...someone who understands. Maybe our kids could even be friends. My best friend growing up was another only child of a single mom (until she turned...14? 15?), and she's like a sister to me, to this day.

You know, the stereotype is that only children are lonely (which wasn't true for me). No one talks about how lonely it can be to be the parent of an only child, particularly if you only wanted one.

Captain's Log Stardate 121717: The Old Me

When you're not sure if your total lack of passion for anything is because of the depression, the antidepressants, or just getting older and more cynical. Or maybe all of it. Or none of it.

I miss old me. Or I guess, more accurately, I miss younger me. Maybe I'm also missing an older me that will be happier and feel more like someone worth being around. I recently titrated down on my antidepressants. Things were going pretty well, and I thought maybe I was getting ready to move away from the antidepressants. Now I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is because I need to stay on the slightly higher dose or if there's some situational stuff (including winter's arrival) going on. When I first tried an antidepressant, I didn't like it because it made me flat. It's not like I felt happier, I just sort of felt nothing. Having always been a rather sensitive and emotionally volatile person, I didn't really like that. I've realized recently that I've been sort of flat for a while. It didn't really bother me now that I have a kid because it's more important to be able to function with a toddler around. Lately, though, I keep trying to remember the last time I actually felt happy. You know, that kind of happy that you feel deep inside, and not just in your head? I'm not sure if other people experience those things in the same way I do, but that's sort of what I'm missing. I'm missing those deep emotions that I feel deep inside rather than just surface. I even miss that painful feeling of deep sadness. I'm tired of that smile being something fleeting that just covers my face but doesn't reach my core. The problem is, I'm not sure that going off the antidepressants will work because I don't think I'll be able to function well enough to take care of Junior Mate. Whether or not the cause is titrating down on the antidepressants, I'm clearly having a low period, and it's just not possible for me to take the kind of care of her I think she deserves when I spend half the day weeping.

I know I need to make some friends and start to have a social life, too, but it's hard to do because I just don't feel like someone worth hanging out with right now. Younger Captain was great, sure, but Current Captain doesn't feel like someone I'd want to hang out with. I'm getting kind of tired of her, honestly. It doesn't help that, on top of feeling sort of meh about myself, I'm constantly tired, both from having a toddler and from chronically not getting quite enough sleep. The depression also just limits my general energy for things, so there are only so many things I can do/people I can be around in a day before I just need to be home. And that level varies so that some days it's practically nil, while other days I can do several things. It makes it hard to want to say yes to things I may be invited to because I don't want to flake out at the last minute. Honestly, life just generally isn't how I imagined it would be, and I often feel like I just wasn't made for adulthood - like I'm not able to survive the monotony and pressures of adulthood.

I'm not writing to get people to feel sorry for me. I just needed to get these thoughts onto paper to help me organize them and process them. I sort of generally need to start writing more again, I think. I guess I need to figure out how to prioritize what I actually need to do to help me, rather than just, you know, TV that lets me just veg out. I guess I need to actively process sometimes.

Captain's Log Stardate July 2016: 12 Books Reading Challenge - Book recommended by a friend

I'm still catching up on blog posts, although I'm actually caught up to the current month in my books. July's book was The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, by Marie Kondo. It is my "book recommended by a friend" (who also takes care of Junior Mate for me two days a week).

I was going to do a book recommended by First Mate (one that he's been trying to get me to read for several years, actually). I even started that book, but this one is more pertinent to my life situation right now. You see, I come from a long line of packrats. We save stuff because we might need it in the future. We save stuff because we're too busy and/or lazy to do something with it right away. We save stuff because we feel guilty getting rid of something someone else gave us. (This one is actually deeper than this - my mom and I both have gifts as a love language, so getting rid of something someone gave us feels like getting rid of the person's love.) We save stuff because there are too many memories attached to the things. I am having trouble keeping our place tidy - both in terms of clutter and actual cleanliness. I've been thinking that maybe if I pared down my belongings some, it would help. In steps my friend with this book. He loaned it to me to read. The timing is perfect because we are moving, and I would like to start with a clean slate at the new place.

Over the past few years, my mom and I have been slowly moving away from this and toward letting more things go and cleaning out - simplifying. As I've been clawing out of the depression that set in when Junior Mate was born, I've recently been trying to really declutter. Our upcoming move feels like a perfect opportunity to do this; start with a clean slate. This book is incredibly helpful for people like me for a few reasons. It gives you a simple guideline for how to decide what to keep. (Kondo prefers to talk about what you should keep, rather than what you should discard, because it has more positive connotations and feels less oppressive.) The guideline is whether or not the item sparks joy in you. I'll note here that I had to change the question for my own practice of her method because I'm still finding it hard to find joy in anything nowadays. Instead, for clothing I asked myself, "Does this make me happy? Do I like wearing it?" For books, I asked myself, "Am I excited about reading/seeing this book?" She also gives you a step by step guide for the order in which you should go through your things, leaving sentimental items for last. Additionally, she offers helpful suggestions about how to store your items most efficiently.

I think the thing that helps me the most, as someone who tends to attach too much emotional significance to things, is the way Kondo talks about how to appreciate your items and let them go. Thank the item for the part it has played in your life, and allow it to move onto its next role. She sort of gives each item its own life and encourages you to think about how nothing really wants to sit around being useless. Let that book that's collecting dust on your shelf go so that it can be used and enjoyed by someone else. Her attitude, though a little unconventional, really helped me to give myself permission to let go of stuff, even things given to me by other people.

In short, this book is an easy read, and I recommend it for anyone who wants to declutter their home but has trouble figuring out the best way. I'll warn you that her method does require a bit of time, but it is working for me so far, though I'm not even finished.

Captain's Log Stardate June 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book that was banned at some point

I know I'm still behind - June posting in September. I'm still trying to catch up!
June's book is a book that was banned at some point (mostly in the southern US), Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe.

I chose this book for this category because it interested me, I have never read it, and it fits my goal of all women authors. However, I think it also fits into "book you should have read in school" because it is so important to remember the history of slavery in our country and to remember that, though it feels long ago, it really wasn't. This is particularly pertinent considering the string of African-Americans who have died in police custody in the past few years. We cannot understand why #BlackLivesMatter is important without remembering the history and attitudes that have brought us to the present moment.

I really enjoyed this book, largely because it presents incredibly important material in a narrative format, which for some reason is the easiest format for me to read and ruminate upon. Stowe's characters aren't all as complex as one might like, and there's obviously a paternalistic attitude toward people of African descent in her writing. (This is probably not unexpected for any abolitionist of the period.) However, I thought her depiction of many different experiences of enslavement and different attitudes toward slavery was fantastic. Even those slaves who were owned by good masters (as the hero Uncle Tom is in the beginning of the novel) longed for freedom, not because their life was so harsh, but because it is a basic human longing to be in control of one's own body and destiny. Obviously, Stowe is showing her readers that even those slaves who live under good conditions would rather have their freedom. (She seems to fighting an argument that slaves with good masters probably have better lives than they would as free men.)

I think the arc of the story which I most appreciated was the intermediate arc (with the St. Clare family), in which Tom goes to a new, also kind, master (before being sold again to a terrible master). This part of the story resonated with me on many levels, largely because I feel like many of the attitudes Stowe presents in this intermediate family are still present today. I'll also admit that I found myself thinking that I probably would have been someone with an attitude rather like that of the intermediate owner. As much as I'd like to think I would have been a staunch abolitionist, I suspect that I would have been conflicted as Mr. St. Clare, feeling that slavery was entirely wrong but that it had become a necessary evil and with no real idea of how to change it. However, the part that I felt was VERY important in this intermediate arc was Mr. St. Clare's relationship with his cousin from Vermont, Miss Ophelia. I won't deny that, as someone raised in the Southeastern US, there was a part of me that was glad to see a recognition of racism in northerners who opposed slavery. But I think Miss Ophelia's attitude, particularly, is still very much around today.

Mr. St. Clare may be a slaveholder, but he freely allows his beloved daughter to play with the slave children in the household, walk with the adult slaves, and hug and kiss all of the slaves as friends and family. Miss Ophelia, though adamant that it is wrong and abominable to hold slaves, finds it nearly abominable that Mr. St. Clare and his family are so familiar with their slaves. St. Clare points out to her that she may want to free all the slaves, but she doesn't want any familiarity with them. And she most certainly does not want them moving to her state where "her people" will have to deal with them. She wants freedom for the slaves as long as the consequences of that freedom are kept far from her own life.

Having lived in both the Southeastern US and the Northeastern US, I find that these attitudes are still very much alive. It is quite true that there is still a stronger overt strain of racism present in the South. However, I have found far fewer white Northerners than Southerners who have actually lived in the same neighborhood as and/or gone to school with African-American citizens. I have heard white people talk about entire cities, mostly populated by people of color, with fear and loathing. I hear the "us" and "them" language almost more often here than where I grew up. Admittedly, I think there is certainly some aspect of socioeconomic privilege going on there, and in the Northeast, poorer areas are still largely populated by people of color, while more affluent neighborhoods tend to be almost entirely white. However, I clearly see a racism present in the Northeast that too many people cannot or refuse to acknowledge. The idea that racism is a thing of the past and/or that racism is primarily a problem in the South is just not true. It's just that racism looks different in different areas of the USA, and I think Stowe's characters actually do a pretty good job of showing us how our current racism comes from these attitudes of about 150 years ago.

In short, I think this is an important book and a good read to boot. If you haven't read it yet, and you have any interest in the history of slavery and its impact on current race relations, you should read it.

Captain's Log Stardate 021716: Just Slow Down!

Some days I feel awesome at being a mom, and other days I really suck at it. I'm short-tempered with Junior Mate, cry a lot, and sometimes even swear at her. I'm horrible. These days tend to be the days when I didn't get much sleep for whatever reason (sometimes, but not always, related to Junior Mate's sleep). I'm really trying to cut back on the swearing because she's definitely getting old enough to start repeating stuff like that. Obviously, I also want to cut back on the swearing because it's not nice; most people don't like to be sworn at. Also, it can be hard to remember that babies are actually just very small people. They seem so different to adults that it can be easy to think of them as if they're a different species or something. I told my mom the other day that I really think I should get some Buddhist practice into my life. I tend allow myself to be ruled by my emotions, and you really can't raise kids that way. The truth, my friends, is that there are times when you just don't like your kid(s) at all, but you can't let that make you treat them like you don't like them. This is what I'm struggling with. I know Junior Mate deserves better than this, but I have not been good at it. I am trying to get my depression under control, upping my antidepressant a bit and continuing to go to counseling. (I've also gotten someone to help me with her two days a week, allowing me to get out and have some me-time.) Unfortunately, I have not yet arrived at Happy Captain, and there are days I feel I never will again.

Anyway, I sometimes let my emotions rule me in my dealings with Junior Mate, and I know this is unfair to her and unhealthy for both of us. I know I cannot continue this way with her because I want to do as little damage to her as possible. (I'm of the belief that your kids are going to be screwed up somehow no matter how awesome you are. The best you can do is try not to actively screw them up. ;) I have a couple of books I want to read to help me get in this mindset. I started reading a series last year called The Dalai Lama's Cat, by David Michie, and it basically presents basic Buddhist tenets through an easy to digest little story about a cat who learns these tenets through her life with the Dalai Lama. I have enjoyed them and recently purchased the newest one. Maybe when I get around to reading it, I will actually try to think about practicing some of the ideas. (The last one I read had a really good part about not letting anger and frustration rule you; I could definitely use that one.)

One of the things I've been thinking about recently in this vein is "slow down." Now, I could have used this for the weird dichotomy of having a newborn/infant where you are sort of just hoping that they'll grow up so things get easier while also mourning the fact that they don't fit into those little 3-month clothes anymore. However, I think this is more important, at least for me. Lately, Junior Mate has been having a little trouble falling asleep, taking closer to 30 minutes (or more) than 15 minutes. At first, I would get so frustrated that I'd end up just getting First Mate to get her to sleep. I should also point out that, having read all these infant sleep things, I was totally stressed about making sure I put her to bed awake. Otherwise, all sorts of bad things would happen, and she would NEVER SLEEP NORMALLY!!! Finally, I decided that it didn't matter if I rocked Junior Mate to sleep. In fact, it doesn't bother me (most of the time), and it's not like I'll be able to do it forever. She is usually able to fall back asleep by herself when she wakes up in the night, which is the main reason given for not rocking to sleep. I've decided to just enjoy getting to hold her and watch her fall asleep, knowing this will not last forever. At some point, though, I started getting impatient for her to fall asleep so I could get my little bit of "me-time" during the day.

Recently, while we were visiting family, I found myself rocking Junior Mate to sleep for naps. Yes, I'm still trying to figure out how to transition Junior Mate out of the swing and into the crib for naps. I would feel impatient about getting back to family, and then I thought, "Slow down, Captain. Just slow down. Enjoy these moments. Let Junior Mate sleep on your shoulder. Maybe take a nap yourself." And then I realized that even though my life has felt incredibly hectic and just trying to make it from day to day, Junior Mate is actually making me SLOW DOWN in some ways. Adult life is so humdrum sometimes that we forget to appreciate the uniqueness of each day. In the midst of doing the same things we do every day, we forget that there will never be another February 17, 2016, and we take it for granted. Babies grow so fast, especially in the first year (I have yet to experience the second year), that it's much harder to take it for granted. And the older they get, even at a whopping 11 months old ;), the more independent they want to be. Those sweet times of them snuggling into your shoulder become fewer and fewer, and I imagine I'll find myself missing them. I do miss the newborn times when Junior Mate would just sleep effortlessly on my shoulder. Now she does sometimes, but she's more restless. And she only naps two times a day, so there aren't as many opportunities.

Stardate 030216 Appendix: I started this a couple of weeks ago and am now not in exactly the same place anymore. Antidepressants have been upped a little bit, and Junior Mate is once again sleeping more easily. Junior Mate is helping me to slow down and appreciate little things more, and I appreciate her for it. I'm currently finding it easier to do this whole mommy thing than I have for the past nearly 12 months. However, I think the things I say and feel in the first part of this post are important because I'm certain some people feel them but are afraid to talk about them. We have to be willing to talk about our weaknesses in order to support one another and overcome them. Thus, I am posting it as is, though I could not figure out how to finish it in the same vein. Just remember that we all screw up and don't do as well as we'd like. Fortunately, kids are resilient, and I think if we try our best to be great most of the time, they will be fine.

Captain's Log February 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book You've Been Meaning to Read

This month's book falls into the "Book I've been meaning to read" category. I figure it's easy to do categories like this at the beginning, because I've already got it in mind. I'll save for later those categories for which I don't already have a choice. Marriage and Other Acts of Charity, by Kate Braestrup, is a book given me by my very good friend from seminary, AmenAbility. I think it's been sitting on my shelf for 3-4 years now, so it was about time to actually read it. (Image below links to the book on Amazon.) Also, I'm pretty sure I've decided to do this challenge by reading all women authors. Gotta love an additional challenge. ;)

The book is a memoir, which I didn't really notice until I started reading it. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but this wasn't exactly it. I think I was sort of hoping for some sort of helpful handbook on how to do marriage. First Mate and I are doing okay, but I'm not always so good at this marriage thing. It's also gotten a lot harder since having Junior Mate. Parenting is hard, and it can be easy to feel resentful toward First Mate when I'm home with Junior Mate all day while he's working. I struggle with the understanding that he's had a long day/week at work and wants some down time because I want down time, too. And honestly, there's still this part of me that feels like I don't have a right to complain because I get to be home all day "doing nothing." Not that raising a child is doing nothing - it just doesn't feel like the kind of work you do outside the house. For an introvert, though, it is a bit draining. I love Junior Mate, but I really love nap times and the end of the day when she goes to sleep and I get some time to myself.

Anyway, that was more of a tangent than I intended; suffice it to say that having a baby has made marriage more difficult for me. Braestrup gives some good anecdotes about how marriage is hard for everyone and shares how she overcame a time in her own first marriage (ended by her husband's death by car accident) when she was going to divorce him. Basically, she says that "The Golden Rule" saved them. You know the one, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." For her, it came in the revelation that she wouldn't want to be treated the way she had been treating her husband, so she started treating him how she wanted to be treated. Honestly, this was a little disappointing for me. I mean, I suppose it's true - this is a great way to work on a marriage, and perhaps the only real advice one can give or receive. However, I wanted something more concrete. Maybe I even wanted some reassurance that it's supposed to be hard and that it would get easier. Instead, I got that it's hard. Because let's face it: we're selfish beings, and constantly trying to do for others what you would want instead of doing it for yourself is hard. This was especially true for First Mate and me during the early months of Junior Mate's time here. We were both so tired and emotionally drained that all we could do was take care of ourselves. Only recently have we been able to care for one another better again.

I think the part I liked the best was her recurring theme of caritas, a Latin word that we translate as charity in English. She talks about it as the kind of love that desires the best for the other person (among other explanations). Obviously, you hope that you feel this way about your spouse (and that they feel that way about you), but thinking about it with the actual words helps to better define it. I have caritas for all the guys I've dated in the past. I truly want them to be happy and have the best; I was certain I was not the best for them, which is why I broke it off. It is actually harder to have continuing caritas for First Mate because we live together and work at this baby-raising thing together. He's not a passing thought or earnest desire for happiness. He is always there, whether I'm in a good mood or not, had enough sleep or not, dealt with a cranky baby all day or a happy baby. It takes more work for me to be charitable to him because I see it when he leaves his socks on the floor or puts his dirty dish right by the sink rather than in it. For this reason, I appreciate Braestrup's reminder about caritas and its importance in a marriage. First Mate and I both need charity as we navigate this difficult and exciting path of parenthood and marriage.

Over all, I would say this is a pretty good book with some poignant reminders of what marriage can be. It's a relatively easy read, and Braestrup is pretty relatable. She's a Unitarian Universalist minister, though she came from an atheist background, so there are some spiritual concepts and biblical references. I would recommend it if you like memoirs and easy reads, but if you don't have a lot of time for reading, I don't know that I would put it on a "must be read" list.