Some days I feel awesome at being a mom, and other days I really suck at it. I'm short-tempered with Junior Mate, cry a lot, and sometimes even swear at her. I'm horrible. These days tend to be the days when I didn't get much sleep for whatever reason (sometimes, but not always, related to Junior Mate's sleep). I'm really trying to cut back on the swearing because she's definitely getting old enough to start repeating stuff like that. Obviously, I also want to cut back on the swearing because it's not nice; most people don't like to be sworn at. Also, it can be hard to remember that babies are actually just very small people. They seem so different to adults that it can be easy to think of them as if they're a different species or something. I told my mom the other day that I really think I should get some Buddhist practice into my life. I tend allow myself to be ruled by my emotions, and you really can't raise kids that way. The truth, my friends, is that there are times when you just don't like your kid(s) at all, but you can't let that make you treat them like you don't like them. This is what I'm struggling with. I know Junior Mate deserves better than this, but I have not been good at it. I am trying to get my depression under control, upping my antidepressant a bit and continuing to go to counseling. (I've also gotten someone to help me with her two days a week, allowing me to get out and have some me-time.) Unfortunately, I have not yet arrived at Happy Captain, and there are days I feel I never will again.
Anyway, I sometimes let my emotions rule me in my dealings with Junior Mate, and I know this is unfair to her and unhealthy for both of us. I know I cannot continue this way with her because I want to do as little damage to her as possible. (I'm of the belief that your kids are going to be screwed up somehow no matter how awesome you are. The best you can do is try not to actively screw them up. ;) I have a couple of books I want to read to help me get in this mindset. I started reading a series last year called The Dalai Lama's Cat, by David Michie, and it basically presents basic Buddhist tenets through an easy to digest little story about a cat who learns these tenets through her life with the Dalai Lama. I have enjoyed them and recently purchased the newest one. Maybe when I get around to reading it, I will actually try to think about practicing some of the ideas. (The last one I read had a really good part about not letting anger and frustration rule you; I could definitely use that one.)
One of the things I've been thinking about recently in this vein is "slow down." Now, I could have used this for the weird dichotomy of having a newborn/infant where you are sort of just hoping that they'll grow up so things get easier while also mourning the fact that they don't fit into those little 3-month clothes anymore. However, I think this is more important, at least for me. Lately, Junior Mate has been having a little trouble falling asleep, taking closer to 30 minutes (or more) than 15 minutes. At first, I would get so frustrated that I'd end up just getting First Mate to get her to sleep. I should also point out that, having read all these infant sleep things, I was totally stressed about making sure I put her to bed awake. Otherwise, all sorts of bad things would happen, and she would NEVER SLEEP NORMALLY!!! Finally, I decided that it didn't matter if I rocked Junior Mate to sleep. In fact, it doesn't bother me (most of the time), and it's not like I'll be able to do it forever. She is usually able to fall back asleep by herself when she wakes up in the night, which is the main reason given for not rocking to sleep. I've decided to just enjoy getting to hold her and watch her fall asleep, knowing this will not last forever. At some point, though, I started getting impatient for her to fall asleep so I could get my little bit of "me-time" during the day.
Recently, while we were visiting family, I found myself rocking Junior Mate to sleep for naps. Yes, I'm still trying to figure out how to transition Junior Mate out of the swing and into the crib for naps. I would feel impatient about getting back to family, and then I thought, "Slow down, Captain. Just slow down. Enjoy these moments. Let Junior Mate sleep on your shoulder. Maybe take a nap yourself." And then I realized that even though my life has felt incredibly hectic and just trying to make it from day to day, Junior Mate is actually making me SLOW DOWN in some ways. Adult life is so humdrum sometimes that we forget to appreciate the uniqueness of each day. In the midst of doing the same things we do every day, we forget that there will never be another February 17, 2016, and we take it for granted. Babies grow so fast, especially in the first year (I have yet to experience the second year), that it's much harder to take it for granted. And the older they get, even at a whopping 11 months old ;), the more independent they want to be. Those sweet times of them snuggling into your shoulder become fewer and fewer, and I imagine I'll find myself missing them. I do miss the newborn times when Junior Mate would just sleep effortlessly on my shoulder. Now she does sometimes, but she's more restless. And she only naps two times a day, so there aren't as many opportunities.
Stardate 030216 Appendix: I started this a couple of weeks ago and am now not in exactly the same place anymore. Antidepressants have been upped a little bit, and Junior Mate is once again sleeping more easily. Junior Mate is helping me to slow down and appreciate little things more, and I appreciate her for it. I'm currently finding it easier to do this whole mommy thing than I have for the past nearly 12 months. However, I think the things I say and feel in the first part of this post are important because I'm certain some people feel them but are afraid to talk about them. We have to be willing to talk about our weaknesses in order to support one another and overcome them. Thus, I am posting it as is, though I could not figure out how to finish it in the same vein. Just remember that we all screw up and don't do as well as we'd like. Fortunately, kids are resilient, and I think if we try our best to be great most of the time, they will be fine.
Showing posts with label NewbornParenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NewbornParenting. Show all posts
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Captain's Log Stardate 012216: Sleep Like a Baby?
Now that I've actually made it to the magical "It gets better" place, it's so much easier to talk about stuff. I also don't feel as compelled to write about all the depressing, unhappy times I experienced. Maybe that's what happens to parents. You sort of just want to forget about the difficult times, and you do. Anyway, part of my plan with this blog was to write about stuff that I didn't expect or had to learn on my own through some difficult experience(s). I don't think it's because other parents didn't have to learn it themselves, but perhaps they forgot about it and thus didn't share it with me (or whoever else they share parenting advice with). I wanted to try to write about these things while I was still in them or remembering them to help other parents have a leg up, so to speak. So this blog's topic (pulled from a little list of things I wrote down to share as they cropped up) is about sleep.
I figured out that the reason Junior Mate had cried that whole time was because she was just exhausted from not napping. I realized she wouldn't go to sleep on her own anymore and that I would have to encourage her to nap. I was pretty stressed about this whole napping thing, so I bought a couple of books and looked at sleep consulting sites online. One site I found to be pretty helpful because it has free suggested schedules for babies from age Newborn through Toddler was The Baby Sleep Site. I still consult this site to get an idea of about how long the average baby Junior Mate's age can stay awake between naps, how long naps (ideally) should be, and about how many feedings they should have per day. It has helped me understand what to expect on the sleeping front and helped me through a couple of sleep regressions and a nap transition. I also read the below book (image links to Amazon's book page), which has some great tips on how to help your baby sleep at various ages and explains why their sleep habits change over time so you can better understand and respond to the changes. It contains alternative methods to the controversial "cry it out" method if you think you're at that point but can't stand listening to your baby cry for however long it takes for him/her to fall asleep.
So here's the long and short of it: once babies get interested enough in their world to pay more attention to it (around 2-3 months), they stop falling asleep on their own. There's just too much interesting stuff out there, and they want to learn all of it! You have to help create an atmosphere that encourages them to fall asleep. Create a routine that has cues to let them know it's time for a nap, and watch for their "I'm sleepy" cues. For me, it helped to kind of watch Junior Mate for a few days and get an idea of how long she stayed awake before she started showing signs of sleepiness (crankiness, rubbing eyes, staring, etc.). This helped me get an idea of what her natural schedule was and enabled me to watch the clock in order to prepare for nap-time before she got overtired. Because the totally unfair thing is that the more tired babies get, the more difficult it is for them to fall asleep. Anyone who ever told you to keep a baby up so that s/he would sleep better at night was WRONG. They need good naps during the day in order to sleep well at night. It felt so counterintuitive to me, but Junior Mate really did nap better and sleep better at night when I made her nap regularly.
But you have to be careful not to give them too much sleep during the day…it's a balance. And realize that as soon as you get used to one schedule, it's likely to change. Junior Mate and I were in a pretty predictable routine of three naps a day (morning, mid-day, afternoon), with one of them being on the short side, when she suddenly wouldn't nap in the afternoon anymore. It was a rough week or so while I figured out that she was transitioning from three naps to two and finally decided to let her do that. For a few weeks, we had some days when we took afternoon naps and some days when we didn't. Now, we're solidly in a two nap a day schedule (morning, afternoon), and she's handling it pretty well. Sometimes she gets fussy at the end of the day (when she's awake for 4-5 hours instead of just 3), but the new schedule is working well for us.
Since I figured out the whole napping thing and been able to put Junior Mate on a rough schedule, we've both been much happier. She's getting enough sleep, and I'm able to sort of plan the day around her naps. Some people advocate making the baby adjust to your schedule (which I know you can't avoid if you're working and taking baby to daycare). However, I'm a firm believer that things will work best, and you will all be happier trying to do things, if you work around baby's schedule. It may be a pain, but I remind myself that it's only for a couple of years. If you work and have to have baby on a schedule that matches a daycare, then stick to that same schedule on the weekends. Obviously, I only have the one baby, so I have no idea if this idea is even feasible with multiple kids. However, it has worked very well for me with Junior Mate. She does great at restaurants and other places out, as long as I plan the outing around her nap times.
I guess that's about it for now. For anyone who's still in that newborn stage wondering when they will ever get sleep again, I will repeat what everyone keeps telling you: it really does get better. Until then, though, pick at least one of their naps during the day when you will also nap. I know you probably don't want to nap every time they do (I wanted to actually be awake sometimes during the day), but if you pick one of the naps every day to nap yourself, it will help. Good luck with your baby's sleep! Feel free to share your stories! I'd love to hear what has worked for other people!
Friday, October 2, 2015
Captain's Log Stardate 092615: PPD Sucks
This post's title could also be "How I Learned that Depression Really Is Exponentially Worse When You Get No Sleep and Have Crazy Hormones"
I dealt with depression before I became pregnant, so I knew to watch out for Post-Partum Depression (PPD) after Junior Mate was born. I had been on anti-depressants before getting pregnant, and I stopped them completely by my third trimester (which was the recommendation for the particular drug I was on). Unfortunately, this halt in my anti-depressants coincided with an extremely stressful December, so I was unable to tell if the depression and anxiety I was feeling were related to the stoppage of medication or just the stress. Looking back, it was probably both, because I spent much of my last trimester feeling anxious and unhappy about the impending birth of Junior Mate. (There may be another post about how I think it really took about 5 months after Junior Mate was born for First Mate and me to really accept that our lives were forever changed.)
Junior Mate arrived about 4 weeks early because I had low amniotic fluid levels (AFL). On a Monday, I went in for a routine doctor's visit and (yet another) ultrasound. I'd had 4 ultrasounds in 5 days at that point, as we were monitoring my AFL to make sure it didn't drop too low. I was already exhausted with having to do all the ultrasounds while trying to finish up things at work. When they did the ultrasound, they told me my AFL was 3.5; anything below 5 calls for immediate action. They called my OB-GYN, who said I needed to head across the street to the hospital's maternity ward. I assumed I was going to be checked in for monitoring, but when I got there, they said I was being induced. I was like o_O and had a pretty hard time keeping it together. The nurses all acted surprised that I was upset about being induced 4 weeks early (seriously? Is it super common for people to be excited about being induced 4 weeks early?). I guess I was supposed to be thrilled that I would get to meet Junior Mate 4 weeks before I was supposed to. Unfortunately, I had been counting on that 4 weeks to finish getting everything together. The previous Friday had been my last day at work, and I thought I'd have the whole month to get things together, as Junior Mate's due date was at the end of the month. We didn't even have a mattress for our crib yet. (To be fair, I had ordered it the previous Friday, but the day I was induced, it hadn't yet arrived.) There were no diapers in the house, and we just simply weren't prepared for the baby. Yes, I'm sure people will argue that I should have been prepared at the beginning of the third trimester in case something like this happened. However, see my parenthetical above where I say that I think both First Mate and I were sort of in denial about how radically our lives would change.
I share this with you to sort of set the stage for my mental state when Junior Mate was born. I wasn't prepared, either physically or mentally. I know I'd had 8 months (she was about a month early) to get prepared, but I wasn't. To be fair, I'm not sure you are ever really prepared because it's so radically life-changing that you simply can't imagine how it will be until it happens. However, I was clinging to that last month of pre-babyhood like a lifeline to help me come to emotional grips with this impending change, and just like that, it was snatched away. I resented my body a bit for not keeping the amniotic fluid where it needed to be, and I was anxious about how healthy Junior Mate would be. I was also anxious because I knew that induction often leads to a more difficult labor than when your body naturally goes into labor.
Anyway, I'm going on more about the birth process than I meant to. Suffice it to say, my anxiety levels were pretty darn high for several days before Junior Mate even entered the world. Additionally, she had to be in NICU for a week due to a suspected infection, and my milk took forever to come in (see my post about breastfeeding here). I felt like a literal milk-cow because I was pumping every 2 hours but without the benefit of having the baby to bond with. It was exhausting. Once we finally got her home, I was already exhausted, and we hadn't even had the first night with a newborn in the house. Enter Junior Mate's reflux(ish) problems. She would spit up every. time. she. ate. To help with this, I would hold her up for at least 30 minutes after she ate. This meant that by the time she ate (which sometimes took 45 minutes), I held her up for 30 minutes, and then put her in the bassinet, I would get maybe an hour of sleep before she woke up again. I guess now's a good time to explain that lack of sleep greatly exacerbates my depression and anxiety problems.
I found myself wishing I had never gotten pregnant and feeling as if my life would never be good or happy again. I was mourning the loss of my old lifestyle with First Mate and couldn't see how I could possibly enjoy this new (currently hellish) lifestyle. I cried a lot. Some days (not all days) I had trouble feeling connected to Junior Mate. Some days, I felt as if Junior Mate had destroyed my life and that I could never be happy again. Eventually, I decided how I would end it if I had to (I'm not sure what was going to be the indicator that I had to), and I had decided that I should probably take Junior Mate with me so First Mate could have his own life back. (You don't have to tell me how messed up this is; I know.)
This went on for about a month until on one of those days when I actually had enough energy and initiative to do it, I called both my counselor and my psychiatrist to schedule appointments again. Fortunately, they were both able to work me in right away. I got back on a medication that was safe for use while breastfeeding and started seeing the counselor on a weekly basis again. Having taken antidepressants before, I was prepared for 10-14 days of waiting for it to build up in my system before I felt better. However, I was shocked when literally two days after starting the medication, I felt better! My psychiatrist explained that when depression is hormone-related, as with PPD, the medication tends to work right away.
Don't get me wrong - it's not like being on the medication magically made everything better. I still had A LOT of adjusting to do, and I really think it wasn't until Junior Mate was about 6.5 months old that I finally started feeling like I could be a semi-normal person again. However, the medication helped me to have far fewer days of crying and feeling as if my life was over and would never be good again. There were far fewer days when I wished I had never gotten pregnant or wished that I could just run away and never have to deal with any of this again. There were far fewer days that I was afraid I might actually do something bad to Junior Mate. (For the record, I never did - the few times that I was unable to deal with her crying, I put her down in the crib and walked away to do my own bout of crying until I was calm enough to pick her up again.) Even now that I'm feeling significantly better, I have days when I wish I could go back to pre-babyhood. Life was easier. However, I'm also excited to see the changes happening practically every day as Junior Mate grows. I've realized I'm not really a baby person, even when it's my own baby, and I'm looking forward to each day that she becomes more interactive. I feel like I can actually handle this whole mommy thing now.
So here's my advice for this post
If you are suffering PPD, particularly if it is severe, don't put off getting help. Don't spend the first month (or more) of your baby's life wishing you were dead and getting to the point that you're planning on how it could be accomplished. Your doctor can give you something that will help get you through the crazy hormonal changes and lack of sleep so that you can actually try to enjoy your newborn. While it is perfectly normal to feel a bit overwhelmed and exhausted after the birth of your baby, it is not normal to constantly wish you and/or the baby were dead. Seek help. It is worth it. Because that thing everyone says is true: it doesn't last forever, and before you know it, you won't have a newborn anymore. Things will get easier, you'll start to get sleep again, and you'll be grateful that you made it through the first few months.
ETA 100315
Another relatively recent new mommy friend of mine reminded me that PPD doesn't always hit right away. Sometimes it can take several months, and then suddenly, WHAM, you're hit with it. This does not make you abnormal. This article suggests that it can begin even before you deliver, and at any time within the first 12 months after delivery, it's considered PPD. The article also points out that it is not actually only depression that new mommies may experience. There are also postpartum psychosis and other similar mental issues that can crop up. While it absolutely breaks my heart to hear stories of moms neglecting and even harming their babies, I better understand how it can happen, having experienced my own severe depression. Hormones are whack, y'all. They can MESS. YOU. UP. Either way, you know yourself best, and you know when your mental state isn't where you prefer it to be. You are not crazy or horrible. You and your baby deserve the best you you can be. Get help if you need it.
I dealt with depression before I became pregnant, so I knew to watch out for Post-Partum Depression (PPD) after Junior Mate was born. I had been on anti-depressants before getting pregnant, and I stopped them completely by my third trimester (which was the recommendation for the particular drug I was on). Unfortunately, this halt in my anti-depressants coincided with an extremely stressful December, so I was unable to tell if the depression and anxiety I was feeling were related to the stoppage of medication or just the stress. Looking back, it was probably both, because I spent much of my last trimester feeling anxious and unhappy about the impending birth of Junior Mate. (There may be another post about how I think it really took about 5 months after Junior Mate was born for First Mate and me to really accept that our lives were forever changed.)
Junior Mate arrived about 4 weeks early because I had low amniotic fluid levels (AFL). On a Monday, I went in for a routine doctor's visit and (yet another) ultrasound. I'd had 4 ultrasounds in 5 days at that point, as we were monitoring my AFL to make sure it didn't drop too low. I was already exhausted with having to do all the ultrasounds while trying to finish up things at work. When they did the ultrasound, they told me my AFL was 3.5; anything below 5 calls for immediate action. They called my OB-GYN, who said I needed to head across the street to the hospital's maternity ward. I assumed I was going to be checked in for monitoring, but when I got there, they said I was being induced. I was like o_O and had a pretty hard time keeping it together. The nurses all acted surprised that I was upset about being induced 4 weeks early (seriously? Is it super common for people to be excited about being induced 4 weeks early?). I guess I was supposed to be thrilled that I would get to meet Junior Mate 4 weeks before I was supposed to. Unfortunately, I had been counting on that 4 weeks to finish getting everything together. The previous Friday had been my last day at work, and I thought I'd have the whole month to get things together, as Junior Mate's due date was at the end of the month. We didn't even have a mattress for our crib yet. (To be fair, I had ordered it the previous Friday, but the day I was induced, it hadn't yet arrived.) There were no diapers in the house, and we just simply weren't prepared for the baby. Yes, I'm sure people will argue that I should have been prepared at the beginning of the third trimester in case something like this happened. However, see my parenthetical above where I say that I think both First Mate and I were sort of in denial about how radically our lives would change.
I share this with you to sort of set the stage for my mental state when Junior Mate was born. I wasn't prepared, either physically or mentally. I know I'd had 8 months (she was about a month early) to get prepared, but I wasn't. To be fair, I'm not sure you are ever really prepared because it's so radically life-changing that you simply can't imagine how it will be until it happens. However, I was clinging to that last month of pre-babyhood like a lifeline to help me come to emotional grips with this impending change, and just like that, it was snatched away. I resented my body a bit for not keeping the amniotic fluid where it needed to be, and I was anxious about how healthy Junior Mate would be. I was also anxious because I knew that induction often leads to a more difficult labor than when your body naturally goes into labor.
Anyway, I'm going on more about the birth process than I meant to. Suffice it to say, my anxiety levels were pretty darn high for several days before Junior Mate even entered the world. Additionally, she had to be in NICU for a week due to a suspected infection, and my milk took forever to come in (see my post about breastfeeding here). I felt like a literal milk-cow because I was pumping every 2 hours but without the benefit of having the baby to bond with. It was exhausting. Once we finally got her home, I was already exhausted, and we hadn't even had the first night with a newborn in the house. Enter Junior Mate's reflux(ish) problems. She would spit up every. time. she. ate. To help with this, I would hold her up for at least 30 minutes after she ate. This meant that by the time she ate (which sometimes took 45 minutes), I held her up for 30 minutes, and then put her in the bassinet, I would get maybe an hour of sleep before she woke up again. I guess now's a good time to explain that lack of sleep greatly exacerbates my depression and anxiety problems.
I found myself wishing I had never gotten pregnant and feeling as if my life would never be good or happy again. I was mourning the loss of my old lifestyle with First Mate and couldn't see how I could possibly enjoy this new (currently hellish) lifestyle. I cried a lot. Some days (not all days) I had trouble feeling connected to Junior Mate. Some days, I felt as if Junior Mate had destroyed my life and that I could never be happy again. Eventually, I decided how I would end it if I had to (I'm not sure what was going to be the indicator that I had to), and I had decided that I should probably take Junior Mate with me so First Mate could have his own life back. (You don't have to tell me how messed up this is; I know.)
This went on for about a month until on one of those days when I actually had enough energy and initiative to do it, I called both my counselor and my psychiatrist to schedule appointments again. Fortunately, they were both able to work me in right away. I got back on a medication that was safe for use while breastfeeding and started seeing the counselor on a weekly basis again. Having taken antidepressants before, I was prepared for 10-14 days of waiting for it to build up in my system before I felt better. However, I was shocked when literally two days after starting the medication, I felt better! My psychiatrist explained that when depression is hormone-related, as with PPD, the medication tends to work right away.
Don't get me wrong - it's not like being on the medication magically made everything better. I still had A LOT of adjusting to do, and I really think it wasn't until Junior Mate was about 6.5 months old that I finally started feeling like I could be a semi-normal person again. However, the medication helped me to have far fewer days of crying and feeling as if my life was over and would never be good again. There were far fewer days when I wished I had never gotten pregnant or wished that I could just run away and never have to deal with any of this again. There were far fewer days that I was afraid I might actually do something bad to Junior Mate. (For the record, I never did - the few times that I was unable to deal with her crying, I put her down in the crib and walked away to do my own bout of crying until I was calm enough to pick her up again.) Even now that I'm feeling significantly better, I have days when I wish I could go back to pre-babyhood. Life was easier. However, I'm also excited to see the changes happening practically every day as Junior Mate grows. I've realized I'm not really a baby person, even when it's my own baby, and I'm looking forward to each day that she becomes more interactive. I feel like I can actually handle this whole mommy thing now.
So here's my advice for this post
If you are suffering PPD, particularly if it is severe, don't put off getting help. Don't spend the first month (or more) of your baby's life wishing you were dead and getting to the point that you're planning on how it could be accomplished. Your doctor can give you something that will help get you through the crazy hormonal changes and lack of sleep so that you can actually try to enjoy your newborn. While it is perfectly normal to feel a bit overwhelmed and exhausted after the birth of your baby, it is not normal to constantly wish you and/or the baby were dead. Seek help. It is worth it. Because that thing everyone says is true: it doesn't last forever, and before you know it, you won't have a newborn anymore. Things will get easier, you'll start to get sleep again, and you'll be grateful that you made it through the first few months.
ETA 100315
Another relatively recent new mommy friend of mine reminded me that PPD doesn't always hit right away. Sometimes it can take several months, and then suddenly, WHAM, you're hit with it. This does not make you abnormal. This article suggests that it can begin even before you deliver, and at any time within the first 12 months after delivery, it's considered PPD. The article also points out that it is not actually only depression that new mommies may experience. There are also postpartum psychosis and other similar mental issues that can crop up. While it absolutely breaks my heart to hear stories of moms neglecting and even harming their babies, I better understand how it can happen, having experienced my own severe depression. Hormones are whack, y'all. They can MESS. YOU. UP. Either way, you know yourself best, and you know when your mental state isn't where you prefer it to be. You are not crazy or horrible. You and your baby deserve the best you you can be. Get help if you need it.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Captain's Log Stardate 08092015: Let's Talk About Boobs
Let's discuss a big hot topic that mommies use to shame one another: breast feeding.
I have both breast and formula fed Junior Mate from day 1. We tried breast feeding right away, and it went pretty well. Unfortunately, she ended up having to be in the NICU for a week for high bilirubin levels and a suspected infection, including a few days when she was NPO (i.e. not eating anything by mouth). I wasn't even allowed to try breastfeeding her again until the 3rd or 4th day, first due to the NPO status and then because they wanted to know exactly how much she was eating at each feed. I (fairly) faithfully pumped and pumped to have good, wholesome "liquid gold" to give her. I'll admit that I started going 4 hours between pumpings overnight because I was just exhausted, but other than that, I generally tried to pump every 2 hours. And y'all, it took forever for my milk to come in. It was just colostrum for the first 3-4 days, and it wasn't a particularly large amount - hardly enough to cover the bottom of the small collection container after 30 minutes of pumping on each breast. Then when my milk FINALLY came in, I was lucky to get about 10 mL (abt. 1/4 oz.) every time I pumped. It was *very* discouraging, and the NICU nurses didn't help me feel better about it. (I could probably write a whole post about how emotionally exhausting it is to have a baby in NICU, which I'm sure is only a different kind of exhaustion from the newborn at home kind.) I remember one time I actually had a combined amount of about 45 mL/abt. 1.75 oz. (from 3 or 4 pumpings), and I was so proud to bring it in for Junior Mate to eat. The nurse looked at what I had brought in and said, "Is that all?" It was a little crushing when I was so exhausted, stressed about having a baby in NICU, and was trying so hard to get some breast milk for her to eat. Actually, it was sort of a LOT crushing.
Needless to say, Junior Mate ate formula in the hospital both because I simply couldn't produce enough for her and so that they could measure how much she was eating. I've been told that pumping just doesn't express the milk as well as the baby, so I started at a disadvantage. Also, First Mate's family has a history of newborn bilirubin problems, and because Junior Mate had to be under the lights a few days in NICU, we were a little nervous about her getting enough to eat and staying hydrated. Thus, we continued formula at home. Our regimen became breastfeeding for as long as she wanted and then offering a bottle if she still acted hungry, which was almost always. Junior Mate also had pretty bad reflux (we never got it diagnosed, but she spit up EVERY TIME she ate), so I would hold her upright for 20-30 minutes after she ate. This regimen meant that by the time I put her down in the cosleeper, I was able to get about an hour of sleep before she woke up again, if I fell asleep right away. The pediatrician asked how we were feeding Junior Mate, and we told her about the breast/formula regimen. She encouraged us to seek help from a lactation consultant to get breastfeeding fully established and cut out the formula. I'll make my confession here: Although I understood all of the reported benefits of exclusively breastfeeding, I was so exhausted and suffering from pretty severe postpartum depression that I just couldn't do it. The thought of trying to make an appointment to see someone about increasing my supply, and the thought of possibly having to feed Junior Mate even MORE often than I was, just made me want to kill myself even more than I already did. (And yes, I really did want to kill myself. PPD sucks pretty badly.) Eventually, I was just so exhausted and stressed that I started letting First Mate feed her a bottle of formula for at least one night feeding, allowing me to get 3-4 whole hours of sleep at a time! (I may write another post about how we worked out sleeping so that we could actually function after the first few weeks.) I can't even imagine how much more difficult it would have been for me if I'd been exclusively breast feeding.
Now, I'll admit, I actually enjoy breastfeeding, though I've been relatively lucky, in that I have had very few problems aside from low supply and one recurrent bleb. I like the cuddle time with Junior Mate, and it's pretty cool to watch your body create food for your baby. But I also like that First Mate or one of the grandparents can easily feed Junior Mate when I'm unavailable without me having to worry about pumping enough for that to happen (nearly impossible with my low supply). Junior Mate also seems to enjoy eating from the bottle while cuddled in my lap just as much as breastfeeding. In fact, since she started teething, she would often rather just eat a bottle than breastfeed. When I thought she was self-weaning the other night, I cried; I'm just not quite ready to stop.
If you are committed to breastfeeding, I definitely think you should check out lactation consultants and support communities like La Leche League (http://www.llli.org). However, I also want to be one of the people who says to you that it is OKAY to do whatever you can do, even if that is not breastfeeding at all. When I saw the below PostSecret submission (credit to PostSecret Archives), it really struck me because it was not long after I had decided it was okay if most of Junior Mate's nutrition came from formula so I could just try to enjoy/make it through her newborn months. I realized that lactation consultants (and pediatricians) probably won't say it to you, as their job is to get you through with positive (i.e. exclusive breastfeeding) results. Don't let the first months of your baby's existence go by in a blur of stress and tears due to breastfeeding issues. It's okay to supplement with formula or exclusively formula feed. (It's also perfectly wonderful to exclusively breastfeed. :) Take care of yourself. It is most important that your baby has a mommy who is happy and able to care for herself enough to properly care for her baby. There have been plenty of babies throughout the last century who were formula fed and have turned out just fine (First Mate and I are two of them). Of course, your child could end up like this guy*, instead. ;)
*In case you missed it, Mom News Daily is a satirical site. :)
I have both breast and formula fed Junior Mate from day 1. We tried breast feeding right away, and it went pretty well. Unfortunately, she ended up having to be in the NICU for a week for high bilirubin levels and a suspected infection, including a few days when she was NPO (i.e. not eating anything by mouth). I wasn't even allowed to try breastfeeding her again until the 3rd or 4th day, first due to the NPO status and then because they wanted to know exactly how much she was eating at each feed. I (fairly) faithfully pumped and pumped to have good, wholesome "liquid gold" to give her. I'll admit that I started going 4 hours between pumpings overnight because I was just exhausted, but other than that, I generally tried to pump every 2 hours. And y'all, it took forever for my milk to come in. It was just colostrum for the first 3-4 days, and it wasn't a particularly large amount - hardly enough to cover the bottom of the small collection container after 30 minutes of pumping on each breast. Then when my milk FINALLY came in, I was lucky to get about 10 mL (abt. 1/4 oz.) every time I pumped. It was *very* discouraging, and the NICU nurses didn't help me feel better about it. (I could probably write a whole post about how emotionally exhausting it is to have a baby in NICU, which I'm sure is only a different kind of exhaustion from the newborn at home kind.) I remember one time I actually had a combined amount of about 45 mL/abt. 1.75 oz. (from 3 or 4 pumpings), and I was so proud to bring it in for Junior Mate to eat. The nurse looked at what I had brought in and said, "Is that all?" It was a little crushing when I was so exhausted, stressed about having a baby in NICU, and was trying so hard to get some breast milk for her to eat. Actually, it was sort of a LOT crushing.
Needless to say, Junior Mate ate formula in the hospital both because I simply couldn't produce enough for her and so that they could measure how much she was eating. I've been told that pumping just doesn't express the milk as well as the baby, so I started at a disadvantage. Also, First Mate's family has a history of newborn bilirubin problems, and because Junior Mate had to be under the lights a few days in NICU, we were a little nervous about her getting enough to eat and staying hydrated. Thus, we continued formula at home. Our regimen became breastfeeding for as long as she wanted and then offering a bottle if she still acted hungry, which was almost always. Junior Mate also had pretty bad reflux (we never got it diagnosed, but she spit up EVERY TIME she ate), so I would hold her upright for 20-30 minutes after she ate. This regimen meant that by the time I put her down in the cosleeper, I was able to get about an hour of sleep before she woke up again, if I fell asleep right away. The pediatrician asked how we were feeding Junior Mate, and we told her about the breast/formula regimen. She encouraged us to seek help from a lactation consultant to get breastfeeding fully established and cut out the formula. I'll make my confession here: Although I understood all of the reported benefits of exclusively breastfeeding, I was so exhausted and suffering from pretty severe postpartum depression that I just couldn't do it. The thought of trying to make an appointment to see someone about increasing my supply, and the thought of possibly having to feed Junior Mate even MORE often than I was, just made me want to kill myself even more than I already did. (And yes, I really did want to kill myself. PPD sucks pretty badly.) Eventually, I was just so exhausted and stressed that I started letting First Mate feed her a bottle of formula for at least one night feeding, allowing me to get 3-4 whole hours of sleep at a time! (I may write another post about how we worked out sleeping so that we could actually function after the first few weeks.) I can't even imagine how much more difficult it would have been for me if I'd been exclusively breast feeding.
Now, I'll admit, I actually enjoy breastfeeding, though I've been relatively lucky, in that I have had very few problems aside from low supply and one recurrent bleb. I like the cuddle time with Junior Mate, and it's pretty cool to watch your body create food for your baby. But I also like that First Mate or one of the grandparents can easily feed Junior Mate when I'm unavailable without me having to worry about pumping enough for that to happen (nearly impossible with my low supply). Junior Mate also seems to enjoy eating from the bottle while cuddled in my lap just as much as breastfeeding. In fact, since she started teething, she would often rather just eat a bottle than breastfeed. When I thought she was self-weaning the other night, I cried; I'm just not quite ready to stop.
If you are committed to breastfeeding, I definitely think you should check out lactation consultants and support communities like La Leche League (http://www.llli.org). However, I also want to be one of the people who says to you that it is OKAY to do whatever you can do, even if that is not breastfeeding at all. When I saw the below PostSecret submission (credit to PostSecret Archives), it really struck me because it was not long after I had decided it was okay if most of Junior Mate's nutrition came from formula so I could just try to enjoy/make it through her newborn months. I realized that lactation consultants (and pediatricians) probably won't say it to you, as their job is to get you through with positive (i.e. exclusive breastfeeding) results. Don't let the first months of your baby's existence go by in a blur of stress and tears due to breastfeeding issues. It's okay to supplement with formula or exclusively formula feed. (It's also perfectly wonderful to exclusively breastfeed. :) Take care of yourself. It is most important that your baby has a mommy who is happy and able to care for herself enough to properly care for her baby. There have been plenty of babies throughout the last century who were formula fed and have turned out just fine (First Mate and I are two of them). Of course, your child could end up like this guy*, instead. ;)
*In case you missed it, Mom News Daily is a satirical site. :)
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