Am I the Only One Who Just Wants One?

I feel like I need some sort of support group for moms who actually ONLY WANT one child. There is so much pressure from...society in general, I guess, that it's hard not to feel guilty or weird for only wanting one child. This is especially true since I don't have any "good" reason (like infertility) other than I don't really like being a parent and want the very young children stage to be over as soon as possible. I never babysat as a teenager because I didn't really like kids. Having one of my own has made me realize I still don't really like kids. Don't get me wrong, I love Junior Mate. I don't love being a parent. I'm not very good at it, and it's exhausting. All I really want is some sleep and more than 1-2 hours to do something I want to do.

At this point, I'd love to find just one other person who understands me on this...one other person who has no desire to have more than one (and maybe even questions whether it was a good idea for them to have the one they have). I want to feel less alone in my weirdness. Sometimes, you think you've found an only child ally, only to discover that they have what society considers legitimate reasons for only having one (usually infertility). My heart hurts for those friends who want more kids but haven't or can't have more for those reasons. But I don't understand that impulse, and I feel a little more alone every time I find out that I'm still the only one I know who is not only happy with an one but has no desire to have another. I mean, to be honest, the main reasons I consider having another child revolve around guilt. I feel guilty for only giving my mom one grandchild (since I'm her only child). I feel guilty not giving Junior Mate someone who, in the future, can share the emotional and/or physical burden of caring for aging parents.

I have two half-siblings from my dad's first marriage, who were 18 and 22 when I was born (and out of the house), and I am my mom's only child. Since I never lived with my half-siblings, and my mom and dad divorced when I was 5, leaving me primarily living with my mom, I consider myself an only child. I had a great childhood - plenty of friends, plenty of quality time with my mom, plenty of time to myself when I wanted it, cousins to play with at family gatherings. I don't really remember feeling lonely that much, at least not any more than I figure is typical for a kid at a given stage in his/her life. It's only now as my mom is getting older that I miss having a sibling. I live about 1000 miles away from my mom, and her health is up and down. It's hard not to be there for her all the time, knowing that there aren't any siblings to take up slack for me. I worry about that for Junior Mate in the future when she has to watch us grow older and less vital than we once were. I don't want to put that burden on her alone. At the same time, though, I'm not really sure I can survive another newborn/infant/toddler. There are days I'm barely making it through this one, and the PPD was bad. I'm afraid that if I had both a toddler/preschooler and a baby, I might not get through that suicidal ideation. I mean, it'd definitely be worse to leave her with no mom than with no sibling, right?

All of this is stuff that's so hard to talk about with other people because women are supposed to want and love children, and we're supposed to want as many as is culturally acceptable (which seems to be somewhere between 2 and 4, since I know several people with 3, which is entirely acceptable, but the ones with 4 get the whole "You know how that happens, right?" speech. Oddly, growing up, I always wanted 3 kids for some reason.) A few things make it harder: 1) I have an alarming number of friends and acquaintances who have had multiple miscarriages and/or cannot get pregnant (a first or following time). It makes me feel profoundly ungrateful and horrible to have gotten pregnant without actively trying and then not really like being a parent. The whole "life is unfair" epithet seems to apply here - women who want multiple children can't seem to have them easily, while I was sort of ambivalent about having one and got pregnant more quickly than I expected. 2) Women are supposed to LOVE being moms, and their children are supposed to be their sun and brightest spots in their lives. I keep wondering when that will happen. I'm glad Junior Mate is here, but I don't love being a mom. I love Junior Mate, but most days, she is not the brightest spot in my life. Most days, the best part of my day is the 1-2 hours after Junior Mate and First Mate have both gone to bed, and I get to sit with the cats and read, watch TV, or sew by myself - no one to have a fit because I'm not watching the right show or because I made her wear underwear, no one expecting attention from me that I only have half the energy to give, no chores staring me in the face (or at least it's easier to ignore them in the evening). 3) There doesn't seem to be anyone safe to talk to about this because you don't want the few friends you've managed to tentatively make since your daughter started preschool to think you're a horrible person and shun you. I just want someone else who is actively making the decision to only have one child...someone who understands. Maybe our kids could even be friends. My best friend growing up was another only child of a single mom (until she turned...14? 15?), and she's like a sister to me, to this day.

You know, the stereotype is that only children are lonely (which wasn't true for me). No one talks about how lonely it can be to be the parent of an only child, particularly if you only wanted one.

Captain's Log Stardate 08092015: Let's Talk About Boobs

Let's discuss a big hot topic that mommies use to shame one another: breast feeding.
I have both breast and formula fed Junior Mate from day 1. We tried breast feeding right away, and it went pretty well. Unfortunately, she ended up having to be in the NICU for a week for high bilirubin levels and a suspected infection, including a few days when she was NPO (i.e. not eating anything by mouth). I wasn't even allowed to try breastfeeding her again until the 3rd or 4th day, first due to the NPO status and then because they wanted to know exactly how much she was eating at each feed. I (fairly) faithfully pumped and pumped to have good, wholesome "liquid gold" to give her. I'll admit that I started going 4 hours between pumpings overnight because I was just exhausted, but other than that, I generally tried to pump every 2 hours. And y'all, it took forever for my milk to come in. It was just colostrum for the first 3-4 days, and it wasn't a particularly large amount - hardly enough to cover the bottom of the small collection container after 30 minutes of pumping on each breast. Then when my milk FINALLY came in, I was lucky to get about 10 mL (abt. 1/4 oz.) every time I pumped. It was *very* discouraging, and the NICU nurses didn't help me feel better about it. (I could probably write a whole post about how emotionally exhausting it is to have a baby in NICU, which I'm sure is only a different kind of exhaustion from the newborn at home kind.) I remember one time I actually had a combined amount of about 45 mL/abt. 1.75 oz. (from 3 or 4 pumpings), and I was so proud to bring it in for Junior Mate to eat. The nurse looked at what I had brought in and said, "Is that all?" It was a little crushing when I was so exhausted, stressed about having a baby in NICU, and was trying so hard to get some breast milk for her to eat. Actually, it was sort of a LOT crushing.

Needless to say, Junior Mate ate formula in the hospital both because I simply couldn't produce enough for her and so that they could measure how much she was eating. I've been told that pumping just doesn't express the milk as well as the baby, so I started at a disadvantage. Also, First Mate's family has a history of newborn bilirubin problems, and because Junior Mate had to be under the lights a few days in NICU, we were a little nervous about her getting enough to eat and staying hydrated. Thus, we continued formula at home. Our regimen became breastfeeding for as long as she wanted and then offering a bottle if she still acted hungry, which was almost always. Junior Mate also had pretty bad reflux (we never got it diagnosed, but she spit up EVERY TIME she ate), so I would hold her upright for 20-30 minutes after she ate. This regimen meant that by the time I put her down in the cosleeper, I was able to get about an hour of sleep before she woke up again, if I fell asleep right away. The pediatrician asked how we were feeding Junior Mate, and we told her about the breast/formula regimen. She encouraged us to seek help from a lactation consultant to get breastfeeding fully established and cut out the formula. I'll make my confession here: Although I understood all of the reported benefits of exclusively breastfeeding, I was so exhausted and suffering from pretty severe postpartum depression that I just couldn't do it. The thought of trying to make an appointment to see someone about increasing my supply, and the thought of possibly having to feed Junior Mate even MORE often than I was, just made me want to kill myself even more than I already did. (And yes, I really did want to kill myself. PPD sucks pretty badly.) Eventually, I was just so exhausted and stressed that I started letting First Mate feed her a bottle of formula for at least one night feeding, allowing me to get 3-4 whole hours of sleep at a time! (I may write another post about how we worked out sleeping so that we could actually function after the first few weeks.) I can't even imagine how much more difficult it would have been for me if I'd been exclusively breast feeding.

Now, I'll admit, I actually enjoy breastfeeding, though I've been relatively lucky, in that I have had very few problems aside from low supply and one recurrent bleb. I like the cuddle time with Junior Mate, and it's pretty cool to watch your body create food for your baby. But I also like that First Mate or one of the grandparents can easily feed Junior Mate when I'm unavailable without me having to worry about pumping enough for that to happen (nearly impossible with my low supply). Junior Mate also seems to enjoy eating from the bottle while cuddled in my lap just as much as breastfeeding. In fact, since she started teething, she would often rather just eat a bottle than breastfeed. When I thought she was self-weaning the other night, I cried; I'm just not quite ready to stop.

If you are committed to breastfeeding, I definitely think you should check out lactation consultants and support communities like La Leche League (http://www.llli.org). However, I also want to be one of the people who says to you that it is OKAY to do whatever you can do, even if that is not breastfeeding at all. When I saw the below PostSecret submission (credit to PostSecret Archives), it really struck me because it was not long after I had decided it was okay if most of Junior Mate's nutrition came from formula so I could just try to enjoy/make it through her newborn months. I realized that lactation consultants (and pediatricians) probably won't say it to you, as their job is to get you through with positive (i.e. exclusive breastfeeding) results. Don't let the first months of your baby's existence go by in a blur of stress and tears due to breastfeeding issues. It's okay to supplement with formula or exclusively formula feed.  (It's also perfectly wonderful to exclusively breastfeed. :) Take care of yourself. It is most important that your baby has a mommy who is happy and able to care for herself enough to properly care for her baby. There have been plenty of babies throughout the last century who were formula fed and have turned out just fine (First Mate and I are two of them). Of course, your child could end up like this guy*, instead. ;)



*In case you missed it, Mom News Daily is a satirical site. :)