Captain's Log Stardate 121717: The Old Me

When you're not sure if your total lack of passion for anything is because of the depression, the antidepressants, or just getting older and more cynical. Or maybe all of it. Or none of it.

I miss old me. Or I guess, more accurately, I miss younger me. Maybe I'm also missing an older me that will be happier and feel more like someone worth being around. I recently titrated down on my antidepressants. Things were going pretty well, and I thought maybe I was getting ready to move away from the antidepressants. Now I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is because I need to stay on the slightly higher dose or if there's some situational stuff (including winter's arrival) going on. When I first tried an antidepressant, I didn't like it because it made me flat. It's not like I felt happier, I just sort of felt nothing. Having always been a rather sensitive and emotionally volatile person, I didn't really like that. I've realized recently that I've been sort of flat for a while. It didn't really bother me now that I have a kid because it's more important to be able to function with a toddler around. Lately, though, I keep trying to remember the last time I actually felt happy. You know, that kind of happy that you feel deep inside, and not just in your head? I'm not sure if other people experience those things in the same way I do, but that's sort of what I'm missing. I'm missing those deep emotions that I feel deep inside rather than just surface. I even miss that painful feeling of deep sadness. I'm tired of that smile being something fleeting that just covers my face but doesn't reach my core. The problem is, I'm not sure that going off the antidepressants will work because I don't think I'll be able to function well enough to take care of Junior Mate. Whether or not the cause is titrating down on the antidepressants, I'm clearly having a low period, and it's just not possible for me to take the kind of care of her I think she deserves when I spend half the day weeping.

I know I need to make some friends and start to have a social life, too, but it's hard to do because I just don't feel like someone worth hanging out with right now. Younger Captain was great, sure, but Current Captain doesn't feel like someone I'd want to hang out with. I'm getting kind of tired of her, honestly. It doesn't help that, on top of feeling sort of meh about myself, I'm constantly tired, both from having a toddler and from chronically not getting quite enough sleep. The depression also just limits my general energy for things, so there are only so many things I can do/people I can be around in a day before I just need to be home. And that level varies so that some days it's practically nil, while other days I can do several things. It makes it hard to want to say yes to things I may be invited to because I don't want to flake out at the last minute. Honestly, life just generally isn't how I imagined it would be, and I often feel like I just wasn't made for adulthood - like I'm not able to survive the monotony and pressures of adulthood.

I'm not writing to get people to feel sorry for me. I just needed to get these thoughts onto paper to help me organize them and process them. I sort of generally need to start writing more again, I think. I guess I need to figure out how to prioritize what I actually need to do to help me, rather than just, you know, TV that lets me just veg out. I guess I need to actively process sometimes.

Seed of Action Day 2: Thank you Sandra Day O'Connor

March 2, 2017

Dear Former Justice O'Connor,

You don't know me, but I am participating in a 40 day program called "Seeds to Scatter" in which the participants do one small "seed of action" each day. Today's "seed of action" was to write a letter to a civil servant who has taken a stand for women's rights. I'm going to be honest - I don't really know that much about you, and I haven't studied your opinions on the cases over which you were judge. However, I will never forget how proud I felt when I learned in elementary school about the first female Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O'Connor, appointed the year I was born. (I hope that doesn't make you feel too old!) I don't know your history on women's rights issues, but for me, the mere fact that you broke the ceiling to become the first female Supreme Court Justice inspires me and gives me hope. Additionally, the fact that your appointment happened within my relatively short lifetime reminds me to celebrate the advancements we have made while continuing to work for improvements in women's rights and equality. I've never been interested in politics or in law, but your role in our nation's history told a 10 year old girl that she could become someone who made a difference in our country, no matter her gender. For that, I thank you for your civil service. May you continue to work for good.

Sincerely,
~First Mate, Starship Hecate

Captain's Log Stardate 010117: Mighty Decent

As I was feeding the cats last night and anticipating the new year, I remembered a moment from middle school in which someone did something mighty decent for me. I don't remember exactly what recalled the memory for me, but it made me happy to remember that even middle school boys can be decent people ;). Then I realized that, coming from a year with lots of stress and sorrows, it would be a great way to bring in the new year: remembering the mighty decent things people have done for you. I know there are plenty of things I won't remember now, but I would like to make a list starting today to which I will hopefully add as the year progresses. This way, I can remember how good people CAN be when things aren't so great. And sometimes, those little moments that probably mean nothing to the other person can help you remember that there is still good in the world, even when you just remember them later in life. So here is a start to a list of mighty decent things people have done for me, updated as I recall them. I think I will start a separate list for 2017.

I have to give the first line to my mom, who has done innumerable mighty decent things for me over the years, too many to name or recount. She is the person who taught me the value of mighty decent things and has shown me through action what it looks like to be a mighty decent person.

Next, a line for my parents-in-law, who raised a good man and continue to model decency for their grandchildren. They are extremely generous with both their time and their resources, and they take new friends and family members into their family as if they've always been there.

Now just a list (in chronological order, to be amended as I remember things)
7th grade: Josh W, for calling a poor little smitten girl (for whom I doubt he returned any feelings) on the phone after a really bad day just to apologize for a mean thing someone else had said.

9th grade: Marie M B, for coming over to see me when my dad died and bringing me a dark colored dress to wear to his funeral.

10th(?) grade: Wes B, for standing up for my character to my ex, even though we weren't really friends at that point

12th grade: Erin M P, for hand-making a beautiful butterfly pillow for me for my 18th birthday

2003(?): Jen S, for sending me a StoryPeople Art clip to remind of the sunshine during my first gray winter

2004: Triumph Baptist Church, especially Mrs. Hall, for putting up my team in one of their rental properties when our heater was broken the coldest week of the year

2016: Wendy A, for offering to take my dying grandmother into her and my uncle's house to insure that she had the love and care she needed

Captain's Log Stardate July 2016: 12 Books Reading Challenge - Book recommended by a friend

I'm still catching up on blog posts, although I'm actually caught up to the current month in my books. July's book was The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, by Marie Kondo. It is my "book recommended by a friend" (who also takes care of Junior Mate for me two days a week).

I was going to do a book recommended by First Mate (one that he's been trying to get me to read for several years, actually). I even started that book, but this one is more pertinent to my life situation right now. You see, I come from a long line of packrats. We save stuff because we might need it in the future. We save stuff because we're too busy and/or lazy to do something with it right away. We save stuff because we feel guilty getting rid of something someone else gave us. (This one is actually deeper than this - my mom and I both have gifts as a love language, so getting rid of something someone gave us feels like getting rid of the person's love.) We save stuff because there are too many memories attached to the things. I am having trouble keeping our place tidy - both in terms of clutter and actual cleanliness. I've been thinking that maybe if I pared down my belongings some, it would help. In steps my friend with this book. He loaned it to me to read. The timing is perfect because we are moving, and I would like to start with a clean slate at the new place.

Over the past few years, my mom and I have been slowly moving away from this and toward letting more things go and cleaning out - simplifying. As I've been clawing out of the depression that set in when Junior Mate was born, I've recently been trying to really declutter. Our upcoming move feels like a perfect opportunity to do this; start with a clean slate. This book is incredibly helpful for people like me for a few reasons. It gives you a simple guideline for how to decide what to keep. (Kondo prefers to talk about what you should keep, rather than what you should discard, because it has more positive connotations and feels less oppressive.) The guideline is whether or not the item sparks joy in you. I'll note here that I had to change the question for my own practice of her method because I'm still finding it hard to find joy in anything nowadays. Instead, for clothing I asked myself, "Does this make me happy? Do I like wearing it?" For books, I asked myself, "Am I excited about reading/seeing this book?" She also gives you a step by step guide for the order in which you should go through your things, leaving sentimental items for last. Additionally, she offers helpful suggestions about how to store your items most efficiently.

I think the thing that helps me the most, as someone who tends to attach too much emotional significance to things, is the way Kondo talks about how to appreciate your items and let them go. Thank the item for the part it has played in your life, and allow it to move onto its next role. She sort of gives each item its own life and encourages you to think about how nothing really wants to sit around being useless. Let that book that's collecting dust on your shelf go so that it can be used and enjoyed by someone else. Her attitude, though a little unconventional, really helped me to give myself permission to let go of stuff, even things given to me by other people.

In short, this book is an easy read, and I recommend it for anyone who wants to declutter their home but has trouble figuring out the best way. I'll warn you that her method does require a bit of time, but it is working for me so far, though I'm not even finished.

Captain's Log Stardate June 2016: 12 Book Reading Challenge - Book that was banned at some point

I know I'm still behind - June posting in September. I'm still trying to catch up!
June's book is a book that was banned at some point (mostly in the southern US), Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Harriet Beecher Stowe.

I chose this book for this category because it interested me, I have never read it, and it fits my goal of all women authors. However, I think it also fits into "book you should have read in school" because it is so important to remember the history of slavery in our country and to remember that, though it feels long ago, it really wasn't. This is particularly pertinent considering the string of African-Americans who have died in police custody in the past few years. We cannot understand why #BlackLivesMatter is important without remembering the history and attitudes that have brought us to the present moment.

I really enjoyed this book, largely because it presents incredibly important material in a narrative format, which for some reason is the easiest format for me to read and ruminate upon. Stowe's characters aren't all as complex as one might like, and there's obviously a paternalistic attitude toward people of African descent in her writing. (This is probably not unexpected for any abolitionist of the period.) However, I thought her depiction of many different experiences of enslavement and different attitudes toward slavery was fantastic. Even those slaves who were owned by good masters (as the hero Uncle Tom is in the beginning of the novel) longed for freedom, not because their life was so harsh, but because it is a basic human longing to be in control of one's own body and destiny. Obviously, Stowe is showing her readers that even those slaves who live under good conditions would rather have their freedom. (She seems to fighting an argument that slaves with good masters probably have better lives than they would as free men.)

I think the arc of the story which I most appreciated was the intermediate arc (with the St. Clare family), in which Tom goes to a new, also kind, master (before being sold again to a terrible master). This part of the story resonated with me on many levels, largely because I feel like many of the attitudes Stowe presents in this intermediate family are still present today. I'll also admit that I found myself thinking that I probably would have been someone with an attitude rather like that of the intermediate owner. As much as I'd like to think I would have been a staunch abolitionist, I suspect that I would have been conflicted as Mr. St. Clare, feeling that slavery was entirely wrong but that it had become a necessary evil and with no real idea of how to change it. However, the part that I felt was VERY important in this intermediate arc was Mr. St. Clare's relationship with his cousin from Vermont, Miss Ophelia. I won't deny that, as someone raised in the Southeastern US, there was a part of me that was glad to see a recognition of racism in northerners who opposed slavery. But I think Miss Ophelia's attitude, particularly, is still very much around today.

Mr. St. Clare may be a slaveholder, but he freely allows his beloved daughter to play with the slave children in the household, walk with the adult slaves, and hug and kiss all of the slaves as friends and family. Miss Ophelia, though adamant that it is wrong and abominable to hold slaves, finds it nearly abominable that Mr. St. Clare and his family are so familiar with their slaves. St. Clare points out to her that she may want to free all the slaves, but she doesn't want any familiarity with them. And she most certainly does not want them moving to her state where "her people" will have to deal with them. She wants freedom for the slaves as long as the consequences of that freedom are kept far from her own life.

Having lived in both the Southeastern US and the Northeastern US, I find that these attitudes are still very much alive. It is quite true that there is still a stronger overt strain of racism present in the South. However, I have found far fewer white Northerners than Southerners who have actually lived in the same neighborhood as and/or gone to school with African-American citizens. I have heard white people talk about entire cities, mostly populated by people of color, with fear and loathing. I hear the "us" and "them" language almost more often here than where I grew up. Admittedly, I think there is certainly some aspect of socioeconomic privilege going on there, and in the Northeast, poorer areas are still largely populated by people of color, while more affluent neighborhoods tend to be almost entirely white. However, I clearly see a racism present in the Northeast that too many people cannot or refuse to acknowledge. The idea that racism is a thing of the past and/or that racism is primarily a problem in the South is just not true. It's just that racism looks different in different areas of the USA, and I think Stowe's characters actually do a pretty good job of showing us how our current racism comes from these attitudes of about 150 years ago.

In short, I think this is an important book and a good read to boot. If you haven't read it yet, and you have any interest in the history of slavery and its impact on current race relations, you should read it.