I imagine the themes in this backdated blog are ones that I will touch on in future posts as well. When I was in college, I became aware for the first time of the ways in which women are still treated as second class citizens, and it enraged me. As I've gotten older, I've only become more aware of how our society's representations and expectations of women have affected me and the way I think about myself and my body. Now that I have a daughter, these things continue to be important to me, as I think about how to raise her with body and image positivity, eschewing the ridiculous standards our society has set for women's bodies.
I'm also going to share another anecdote that happened to me after I wrote the below entry. I was talking with a guy at work who was doing some repair work around the office, and he was asking about my pregnancy (because it's totally okay for random strangers to ask you personal questions like that when you're pregnant :P ). He was telling me about his wife's pregnancies, when he commented that he was so lucky because his wife had never gotten any stretch marks with their 3 kids. HE was so lucky. Never mind the aggravation I feel that we say someone is lucky if they avoid stretch marks (why are they so horrible again?). He didn't even say his wife was lucky; it was HIM who was lucky. I mean, does that mean my hubby is horribly unlucky because I came into the marriage with a few stretch marks from puberty and then gained a few more while pregnant? It must be horrible for First Mate to even have to look at me naked now. And if First Mate is unlucky, then I must be like a walking broken mirror. :P
Anyway, if you're a dude reading this - here's a tip: just don't even comment on the body stuff about being pregnant. You have no idea how it feels, and you certainly have no idea what it's like for the particular woman to whom you may be speaking. Feel free to talk about how hard it was to watch your significant other have a hard time and what it's like now that the baby is here, but just avoid the body stuff altogether, unless you're saying something like, "Oh yeah, my wife/girlfriend/surrogate had morning sickness, and it was the worst for her!"
Captain's Log Stardate 101614
(Originally entitled "What happened to social protocol?")
Something I've noticed recently about being pregnant is that for some reason, people think another's pregnancy allows them to totally dispense with social protocol. Let me explain: Generally, if you saw a person in public with a large, protruding belly or something, you would never go up to them and say, "Wow, you're huge!" Sure, you might think it, but you would never actually say it to someone. On the other hand, when someone encounters a pregnant woman in public, they seem to think it entirely appropriate to walk up to her and say, "Wow, you're huge! How far along are you?" Um, excuse me, when did it become okay for you to say something so rude to me? Just because I'm incubating a tiny human doesn't give you the right to comment on my body.
Apparently being pregnant makes people think they have free reign to comment on your body. As a woman, this isn't something I'm particularly new to. Society has taught us that women's bodies are public property, and commenting on women's bodies is what we do - women's dress, their shape, their curves, their thinness (or lack thereof). However, there's a somewhat general expectation that you will not comment on these things directly. Of course, there are many out there who think them and might even comment on them to a shopping partner (or whoever), but you generally don't say it directly to the person. Pregnancy apparently throws all that out the door. Never mind that the poor pregnant woman probably feels like a whale already - pregnancy is the time when everyone you meet feels justified in confirming that feeling for you. Or, if you're like I am currently, I've gotten big enough that none of my regular pants button, but maternity pants don't fit quite right. Everyone at work keeps saying, "You're not showing at all!" Of course, knowing that my belly is considerably bigger (already) than it was 16 weeks ago, all I can think is, "Great; I don't even look pregnant, I just look fat. :P " Or this one, "Now that you mention you're pregnant, I can see it in your face." Which of course makes me have the paranoid, "OMG! I thought my face was about the same! Am I getting fatter EVERYwhere?" Or, "Haven't you noticed that pregnant lady X in the office has gotten a bigger nose? It's part of being pregnant." (Again, "OMG! Even my nose is going to get huge? *sob*" For the record, I haven't noticed any such thing about pregnant lady X.)
Now, generally being a person who avoids conflict and tries to recognize the good intentions people have, I typically take this good-naturedly and respond that I know I don't quite look pregnant yet but am looking forward to showing so it's obvious that I'm not just gaining weight but gaining baby (and yes, I know that even this response is a problem stemming from me buying into culture telling me I shouldn't be "fat", whatever that is). However, I think this is probably easier for me right now because I don't feel hugely pregnant. I'm also not terribly visible yet, so I don't have random people coming to feel my belly. This is another thing that shocks me about pregnancy. Not only does it become acceptable to publicly (and a little rudely) comment on a pregnant woman's size, but suddenly her body is seen as public property to be felt at will. Does incubating a tiny human really mean that I suddenly have no personal space rights? I would never walk up to a random stranger at Target and try to touch their belly. I would never even do this with a random stranger's dog. I've also never seen a random stranger walk up to a dude to rub his beer belly and comment on how big it's gotten. :P Why is it acceptable to do this to a random pregnant human woman? While pregnancy is an amazing time as you realize that your body is busy putting together a human being, it's also still a vulnerable time when all the things that normally make you feel pretty and sexy are changing, you may not be feeling well, and you're terribly self-conscious about your body. Honestly, the way people treat pregnant women like public property is appalling.
Perhaps the problem here goes back to what I mention earlier about women's bodies generally being treated as public property by our society. We've grown up in and accepted a world where it's commonplace for men, women, and the media to comment on a woman's appearance; a world where women learn that their worth is intimately tied to their appearance. Perhaps the reason so many women put up with others touching and talking about their pregnant bellies is because while our former "sexy" appearance is changing (the first thing that our culture tells us makes us valuable as women), we can still affirm our value through the other thing that society tells us women are good for - creating and nurturing a tiny human. We are transitioning from the valuable "available, hot chick" to the venerable (and still valuable) "mommy." Aside from the mixed feelings this transition brings ("Do I really want to be a mommy?" "OMG, my life is never going to be the same..." "This is incredibly cool."), it's a little disturbing that it's so easy for so many women (including myself) to buy into these tales about what makes our worth.
I'm hoping that as I get bigger, I will have the courage to call out people doing these kinds of stupid things to me. I am proud that my body has the ability to make a baby, but I am also still the same Kristi with the same hopes, fears, insecurities, and prides that I was before I became pregnant. Being pregnant does not somehow negate my right to the usual social protocols about how we treat strangers. Likewise, simply being a woman does not make it okay to equate my value with my usefulness to men. I'm pretty sick of it, and it's time for all women (especially pregnant women who seem to be viewed even more as public property than other women) to stand up for the right to be valued for who we are as humans and participants in the world.
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